A Comprehensive Model of Human Courtship Series: Step Three: Winning and Losing With the “Athena” and “Ares” Instincts
Image: Apollo (left) and Artemis. Brygos (potter signed), tondo of an Attic red-figure cup, c. 470 BC. Louvre, Paris. Photo courtesy of Marie-Lan Nguyen (2007).
This is the fourth in a series of articles by Dr Dobransky covering the phases of Sexual, Emotional, and Intellectual Attraction. The first article in the series can be found here, the second here and third here.
Summer is here, with all the single people out and about at the beach and going on vacation to far-flung destinations worldwide. It is a time of both leisure and romantic opportunity. Yet with a higher opportunity to socially connect comes higher competition between and amongst suitors and between and among those desired by them.
It leaves us to wonder how we each stack up against our competitors for the “apple of our eye,“ and whether, if ever, we will finally find true love.
In step two of courtship, we learned of the female Hera Instinct for putting the maternal nature on display for men, and the male Zeus Instinct for marching out the paternal nature to let the one we desire know that she is held in higher esteem than all others. Now the competition is fierce and the stakes of what we’ve invested in dating are higher than they have yet been.
Our series on human courtship must now move on from discovering that our love interest appears to prefer us above all others to the same degree that we admire them (step two of human courtship.)
We enter step three now, where the female must unconsciously test the male for masculinity and character virtue before she feels safe and trusting—enough to move to still deeper levels of intimacy and the exclusivity of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. She now has far more to lose by choosing the wrong mate.
We reach the last step of the sexual attraction phase, where passion for each other reaches its peak, just before we are ready to move on to the friendship and love that is potentially present as a couple dating exclusively.
“Feeling passion for a crush is easy. Finding a suitable candidate for a much longer, durable relationship is hard, as we all know.”
Romantic touch has been established and accepted by both parties, which means that if it progresses further, sexual attraction will reach its zenith.
However, with billions and billions of gametes over the lifetime, men can afford to instinctively “spread the seed,” whereas with two to three hundred total viable eggs over the lifetime, women instinctively must become incredibly choosey, disciplined, and exacting about what they will find desirable for the long-term in a mate.
Feeling passion for a crush is easy.
Finding a suitable candidate for a much longer, durable relationship is hard, as we all know.
Enter the ancient Greek deities, Athena and Ares, Artemis and Apollo—two sets of siblings, which to Jungian sensibilities infers that they have familial traits in common, even though each is a unique individual with a best-known “superpower” put on display in the myths.
Athena and Ares are both “gods of war,” which is not to say that in the psychology of the instincts they represent, they literally cause a person to become violent.
Instead, they are the deities representing the feminine and masculine instincts for romantic and social competition, the drive to seek to win one’s goal, which is in this case, the best long-term mate possible.
You may remember our story of Wtewael’s The Judgment of Paris located in the British National Gallery, which we have borrowed from in our exploration of the first two steps of sexual attraction.
This masterwork of painting shows us that the third most prized gift offered by the goddesses Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena to the most desirable mortal bachelor in the world was the ability to win any battle or any war, provided by Athena, sister of Ares—the god of war—who was the goddess of combined war and diplomacy in one.
Her gift of “winning” is similar to a male feeling cheered on by a woman, and is yet another experience of feeling “believed in” by a woman, the best feeling in the world for males.
“Being a winner” is very much like the common expression of “the killer instinct” cited in sports excellence seen in boxing, football and other athletics, and also seen in phrases such as “making a killing” (financially winning) or “killing the ball” (athletic winning as in baseball), or having a “killer” possession such as a car, an apartment or other possession.
It is a perfect descriptor of the second male instinct described by Martin Seager and colleagues, the “Fighting/Winning” instinct in males, which I refer to by the Greek nomenclature perfectly aligned with it in myth, called The Ares Instinct.
David Buss’s chapter of The Oxford Handbook of Human Mating says: , “Accumulating evidence suggests that the phenotypes of human males were shaped by contest competition, the mode of sexual selection in which mating opportunities are obtained by using force or threat of force to exclude same-sex competitors.”
We’ve said before that the familial relationships of the Greek Pantheon give us a clue to the steps of courtship in that the parallel masculine and feminine instincts active at each step.
The husband/wife, brother/sister relationships of the deities parallel both the analogous male/female instincts of passion and the male and female actions, issues, and tasks that need to be completed at each of the three steps of sexual attraction—the first of the three phases of human courtship.
In this case of step three, “Winning and Losing,” it is no exception: there is a brother/sister Athena Instinct in females for conflict and competition that parallels the similar “war god” Ares Instinct of Seager’s “Fighting/Winning Archetype.”
The Athena Instinct—which like any instinct is unconscious and automatic—springs into action at some point after those first two “steps of sexual attraction” we have covered: the first, “Beauty and Mystery,” where the man has displayed some je ne sais quoi aspect that stimulates the female’s curiosity, and followed by both of them demonstrating their interest in each other as preferred over other potential mates, through maternal and paternal displays of care for each other (The “Ladies and Gentlemen” of step two of courtship.)
With these two steps established, the relative risk posed to the female’s reproductive legacy comes to the fore, with her instinctual response to the male’s advances—not just a kind of “putting on the brakes,” but rather, a detailed, unconscious assessment of both the male’s masculinity level (virility/protectiveness, viability of potential offspring), but also his character maturity and virtue (which is not a function of masculinity itself, but is a “tell” about his longevity in the relationship, and to some degree a measure of quality in the “provider” function in terms of longevity of connection and reliability to her offspring).
In our lexicon and system, this “brother/sister” pair in the Athena and Ares Instincts allows the female to test the very valence of “masculine energy” in the male, and for him to compete to pass what we call “the tests of masculinity,” of which there are three types:
1. Man Vs. Nature (the most common), in which the male in a potential couple comes prepared for the weather, the economy, the geography, the culture, and every other environmental situation that may arise for the couple, such that he may maintain the prior “Provider/Protector” role in navigating the environment on behalf of both members of the couple.
2. Man Vs. Man, in which the well-researched and documented dynamics of competition among males for mates takes place, in this case, in which the superior choice in the male may fend off competing suitors in diplomatic but effective ways that demonstrate his superior masculine spirit when compared to them for production of superior offspring.
3. Man Vs. Woman, which is a more subtle set of tests in which the female screens the male for both the possession of a unique identity different from her own (making him more trustworthy as opposed to just telling her what he thinks she wants to hear), and also seductive in the sense that he has standards and items he is looking for in a long-term mate. This may be ultimately evidenced in his “willingness to walk away.”
The female's third type of “test” offers us a glimpse of the male’s ability at personal boundaries, which provides a bridge to the second set of “tests” administered and passed by the instincts represented by yet another brother/sister pairing.
Artemis and Apollo are a second brother/sister set of deities representing the female testing of something different from masculine energy.
“…the win/win nature (mature, fit for long-term partnership), tends to be patient and possess other traits that have been called “mature ego defenses,” specifically the virtue of sublimation, or “when all you have is lemons, you’d might as well make lemonade.”
Instead of pure appeal sexually or instinctual masculinity, we propose the Artemis Instinct in females to be the “discriminating eye” of the female—that which spots a bargain at the store, the mistake in the workplace, and the natural ability to discern the traits of the right or wrong male for her.
In kind, the diplomatic, artistic, logical, and reason-based mind of the male logos comes to the fore—the Apollo Instinct— the “Renaissance Man” who responds to the female tests of his personal boundary, one of three elemental aspects of character maturity or virtue.
The other two are Observing Ego (or mindfulness), and wisdom of decision-making (which tends to be win/win or constructive in nature). This latter of three is seen in the economics of “game theory,” and specifically in the Nash Equilibrium of game theory made famous by the film, A Beautiful Mind, and seen in everyday social interactions known as “win/lose” vs. “win/win” decisions.
In any case, the win/win nature (mature, fit for long-term partnership), tends to be patient and possess other traits that have been called “mature ego defenses,” specifically the virtue of sublimation, or “when all you have is lemons, you’d might as well make lemonade.”
There are then also three broad categories of Artemis Instinct tests automatically implemented by the woman, and requiring the Apollo Instinct in the male to respond instinctually as well:
1. Tests of the Personal Boundary (one of three core aspects of character) and to which the Apollo Instinct in the male must respond and adapt.
We call this the “million tests of Artemis,” because there are a million ways to test someone’s personal boundary, from how they treat your friends (or their own) when you’re not around, to how they manage money (well, hopefully) to how they treat their own body and avoid addictions.
2. Tests of mindfulness, or Observing Ego (the second of three aspects of character.)
To women, this might most poignantly manifest in the form of “what a good listener he is.” But it might just as well be seen in his ability to not easily be triggered by his own traumas (to stay in the present, not the past), or to stay centered even after a reverie about what dreams the future might hold for his career or his relationship with a woman.
3. Test of his decision-making (the third of three aspects of character), in which the positive and generative aspect of the male make decisions with a positive outcome nearly every time, and satisfy the Artemis Instinct of the female, generating even more passion for the male on her part.
This third aspect tested by the Artemis Instinct in women is perhaps as broad as that of testing boundaries, with as many variations. It is based on testing his ethics and his shrewdness, or street smarts, both, because these two things compose wisdom.
The Artemis may been seen in research on women’s selection of men based on vocation and career aspirations in them both, , such as Matula’s Identity and Dating Commitment Among Women and Men in College, where “The findings suggest that women with clear vocational identities are more committed in relationships, while men with firm vocational identities also show higher commitment; women's identity development may differ from men's.”
If the male could be called a fool with money, or women, or family or friends, then he will fail these sorts of tests by the woman. He lacks shrewdness.
If he alternatively could be said to have a “dark side” then he will similarly fail these tests. He lacks ethics.
The response to the tests of his character maturity by his Apollo Instinct is that this “Renaissance Man” response comes from the tried and true elements of his life’s experience that has taught him lessons about making wise decisions in the world at large.
The woman who has watched a man of interest and to whom she feels passionate about pass such varied tests of masculinity and character will sense things “being right” between them, and can settle into the comfort of the next full phase of human courtship, which is emotional attraction, friendship, and love, not just desire.
We have the full gamut of human courtship to cover in its three phases, now complete in sexual attraction, but with emotional attraction (love) and intellectual attraction (commitment/partnership) yet to come.
We are now ready to delve into an entirely different aspect of romance from desire sex, often synonymous with romance, itself, called “love.”
I will respond to any questions about this new model through the coming year in the comments below, at romantipedia.substack.com, and at the location of the entire model explained at romantipedia.com.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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