Two Comedians and the Male Mind

CommentaryTherapy

Oct 3

When we were kids, my friend Will and I had been sitting on the floor of my parents’ family room playing video games like we had for years. My mother offered snacks, then made fun of an old picture of me. She pointed to a toddler with long curly hair and said, “Look at Amit, doesn’t he look like a little girl?” Will’s head shook like he was smacked and said, “That’s you?! I thought you had a sister that died and you didn’t want to talk about it.” We laughed uncontrollably, in that way kids are lucky enough to be able to.

The value of humour for males is consistently found in research. Researchers Mark S. Kiselica and Matt Englar-Carlson find that “many boys and men use humour as a vehicle to attain intimacy, as a means of having fun and creating happy experiences with other boys, as a foundation for building and supporting a friendship, as a way to demonstrate that they care about others, and as a strategy to reduce tension and manage conflicts. Also, research indicates that boys and men use humour as a healing and coping tool in times of stress and illness.” Recent research has highlighted humour in male coping with COVID-19.

On September 14, 2021, the world lost the whimsical, wistful wit of comedian Norm Macdonald. His last contribution to comedy was his posthumous Netflix comedy special Nothing Special. After his performance, the audience is treated to a discussion about the late stand-up by fellow comedians. Dave Chappelle shared touching memories that implicitly pointed to deep truths about the male psyche.

The first reality that Mr. Chappelle highlights reflects the importance of humour in male coping and relationships. He shared, “When my dad died, I had to do a movie with Norm and I tried everything to get out of that movie because I was inconsolable. And I couldn’t get out of it. And working with him was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.” He recalled that “work was like a church I’d go to, like I couldn’t wait to get to work and just hang around this guy.”

Adam Sandler asked what Mr. Macdonald did in particular and if they talked about the loss. Mr. Chappelle smiled and replied, “It never came up, he just made me laugh.”

Another moment from the discussion showcased the function of humour in providing empathic care and support in male relationships: Saturday Night Live alum Molly Shannon highlighted how thoughtful and caring Mr. Macdonald could be, commenting, “I’m sure he really was like, trying to make you feel so good; so sweet and thoughtful, and probably thought deeply about that that’s how he would approach it.” Mr. Chappelle nodded and remarked, “It was . . . . It seemed very thoughtful and wildly, disarmingly empathetic.”

“[Men’s] group dynamics evolved from hunting and warfare. A joke to ease the tension while the sickle of death floated over your head was probably a better strategy than to have a forthright discussion of fears, regrets, and last Tuesday’s nightmare.”

Mr. Chappelle noted, “My favorite comedy . . . makes people feel safe, like everything’s going to be alright.” This strikes me as a profound ancestral truth for males; after all, our group dynamics evolved from hunting and warfare. A joke to ease the tension while the sickle of death floated over your head was probably a better strategy than to have a forthright discussion of fears, regrets, and last Tuesday’s nightmare.

When my father died, humour helped me too. I remember calling my friends to inform them of his death and the upcoming services. They were supportive, caring, and encouraging. These kind and honorable men made me feel warm and loved. Except for Will, who, with perfect comedic timing, asked, “Is your dead sister going to be there?” I laughed so hard. It made me feel lighter. I felt cleansed. His comment was a call back to a perfect moment of humour from our childhood. Decades later, Will’s crude joke was just what I needed at the depths of my grief. It made me feel like everything was going to be all right.

Another aspect of Mr. Chappelle’s account of recovery from crippling grief was not stated directly but is equally revealing. He went back to work. Males’ productive capacity, particularly in the provider role, is a deeply fulfilling aspect of men’s lives. When that part is missing, it can be devastating.

“As much of a blow as it is to my ego as a therapist, I must admit that a positive change at work or a return to work for many of my male clients did far more to improve their mental health than anything that occurred in therapy.”

Unemployment is a major risk factor for suicide, and men die of suicide three to four times more than women. Unemployment and retirement are the top risk factors for feelings of hopelessness in men. Unsurprisingly, studies including thousands of British and American men found that the top factor predicting well-being was job satisfaction.

As much of a blow as it is to my ego as a therapist, I must admit that a positive change at work or a return to work for many of my male clients did far more to improve their mental health than anything that occurred in therapy.

Speaking of therapists’ egos, the last truth revealed by Mr. Chappelle’s story is that therapy is not always the answer, which is at odds with contemporary advice culture. We don’t know if Mr. Chappelle was in therapy, but if he were, it appears that working with Mr. MacDonald did a lot more to help him.

Therapy is immensely helpful for many people, including many men. I wouldn’t be a therapist if I wasn’t absolutely convinced of that—I see it every day. Nonetheless, the modern mental healthcare system may not be well suited for many men. Of course, for severe symptoms, particularly suicidal thoughts and certain conditions like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, professional help is necessary. But for others, people can and do get better without therapy.

This message that there are alternatives to therapy is particularly salient in today’s culture, in which therapy often qualifies as bona fides for maturity, humility, and goodness—even a prerequisite for a romantic partner. Despite therapy’s now almost mythic stature, there are other mental wellness options for those who don’t find therapy a good fit.

Supportive male environments where men engage in activity but also provide mutual support, like Men’s Sheds or F3 Nation, are growing. Some men may benefit from a more auto-didactic approach, such as studying stoicism (which is the philosophical forefather to cognitive behavioral therapy) or seeking therapeutic insights and strategies from more male-friendly online content like psychiatrist Dr. Alok Kanojia’s Healthy Gamer resources.

For men, the path to recovery from emotional distress includes many different possible components. Therapy should be considered, but other avenues to mental wellness shouldn’t be dismissed. Men should also critically assess whether changes need to be made to improve work engagement and satisfaction. And, of course, they should pick up the phone and call their funniest friend.

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