Dishonor Versus Redemption in Society (Part 2 of the five-part ‘Chivalry and Endearment’ series).
Image: Orpheus and Eurydice, by Jean Raoux (public domain)
“Dishonor,” as a societal response, typically emerges when an individual commits a severe, uncharacteristic act that starkly contrasts their previously honorable and valuable contributions.
When examining the spectrum of dishonorable behavior, one can visualize it through the lens of a Bell Curve. Most offenses fall within the realm of minor yet distasteful transgressions, often labeled as "petty crimes" in criminology due to their limited impact.
Public figures and celebrities, elevated to near-mythical status through branding and marketing, may find themselves set up for inevitable failure in meeting these lofty expectations, encountering moments deemed 'dishonorable' based on standards akin to those reserved for deities.
Unlike criminality, there is no standardized 'Bell Curve of internet offensiveness' that gauges the varying levels of harm inflicted upon society or individuals in the realm of public opinion. Opinions are not universally agreed-upon facts; they are, fundamentally, subjective assessments—even when they represent the collective views of specific subgroups.
It becomes evident that both minor and major social transgressions, regardless of their intent or severity, often incur uniform punishment in the digital realm—the equivalent of a modern 'death penalty,' commonly referred to as 'cancellation.'
Even within the morally flawed center of this Bell Curve, prominent individuals retain their intrinsic capabilities and talents, potentially offering valuable contributions that ordinary individuals may not possess. Despite their faults, they harbor an ongoing potential for societal benefit and positive impact.
The notion of dismantling statistical Bell Curves—which effectively categorize individuals across various metrics like height, talent, intelligence, and longevity—reflects a narcissistic pathology that aims to level the social playing field, either by undermining those perceived as “superior” or by fantasizing about matching their talents or skills.
In such a flattened landscape, where dynamics reminiscent of the 'Narcissistic Abuse Cycle' prevail, considerations of 'rehabilitation' and the extension of 'grace' relative to the severity of transgressions offer a glimmer of hope, even in situations marked by substance abuse, divorce, or criminal behavior.
Much like the faint echo of music that lingers after Orpheus' death—but his head remains preserved, still singing on the surface—the prospect of redemption is ever-present, even for everyday individuals labeled as “cancelled,” offering a potential path toward personal and societal restoration.
Introducing a touch of "grace" commensurate with the offense's magnitude holds the promise of societal revival—like the lingering melody after Orpheus's return, the radiance following an underdog's triumph, or the resurrection of Lazarus. This concept entails restoring a talented or virtuous individual’s societal value through the redemption of their reputation; at least, this would retain the value of their previously honorable services and contributions to society.
“We all make mistakes, even grave ones, but we are human like Orpheus and Eurydice, not gods. When we falter, our subsequent actions and decisions should reflect lessons learned from the past while focusing our vision on a future more loving and attuned to each other’s needs. At the core, we must strive to understand each other’s masculine and feminine instincts and identities.”
Orpheus attempted to rescue his wife from the Underworld after she had died, but he made the grave mistake of ignoring the command to not look back at his wife as they ascended—symbolically representing the need to not dwell on past relationships but instead to have faith in their shared future, their renewed life together, and a marriage reborn in the ordinary world. (The main image above is Orpheus Emerging from the Underworld With Eurydice After Attempting to Rescue her from Death.
This myth alone ought to teach us how to recover the grace and lovingkindness with which we once treated each other.
Ah, but one has to want to be rescued in order to be rescued, which is not the prevailing attitude among most would-be lovers today.
We all make mistakes, even grave ones, but we are human like Orpheus and Eurydice, not gods. When we falter, our subsequent actions and decisions should reflect lessons learned from the past while focusing our vision on a future more loving and attuned to each other’s needs. At the core, we must strive to understand each other’s masculine and feminine instincts and identities.
This elusive human quality, termed "grace," revitalizes and harnesses the worth embedded in the skills, ideas, and endeavors of those who have erred socially.
My grandmother often advised, "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face." Her wisdom cautions against discarding something valuable due to an inability to curb one's envy, opting instead to endure the repercussions of jealousy rather than forsaking it.
In a 2021 article titled "The Happiness Lottery," Rob Henderson explores the relationship between poverty and happiness. He notes, "Malicious envy strongly correlates with the support for coercive wealth redistribution. The affluent sometimes harbor a desire to witness their wealthier counterparts endure suffering."
Here, we can extend this observation beyond economic implications to the dynamics of social currency—where reputation significantly impacts individuals' careers, incomes, relationships, and ultimately, their self-esteem and happiness.
With malicious envy epitomizing a facet of narcissism and embodying an unkind form of unforgiveness—targeting not actions or missteps but punishing innate characteristics like gender—it stands in stark contrast to "grace."
If "grace" involves acknowledging another's humanity, forgiving their idiosyncrasies, missteps, or character flaws, then malicious envy, with its unforgiveness toward the immutable, is the antithesis of grace.
Could it be that the prevalent "internet Death Penalty," dispensed for various mannerisms of 'wrong-speak,' isn't fundamentally about the moral integrity of opinions but is, in essence, propelled by malicious envy?
While discourse often revolves around prominent personalities, there exist numerous instances where ordinary individuals inadvertently make social blunders, facing consequences disproportionate to their negligent actions. Though not equivalent to the internet's severe repercussions, these penalties reveal a punitive streak incongruous with their harmless and unintentional "offenses."
These supposed transgressions are often imperceptible, merely stemming from possessing common immutable traits, such as being male.
Elucidating these commonplace scenarios proves challenging due to their absence from public scrutiny, mundane nature, and commonplace occurrence.
Having witnessed subtle instances of devaluation—the antithesis of "Endearment," which often characterizes the most extensive phase of the "Narcissistic Abuse Cycle"—one develops a sensitivity to these nuances in language and social interactions.
I have acquired the ability to discern such occurrences in my personal life. One notable incident involved submitting a heartfelt piece that narrated the intergenerational relationships between a son, father, and grandfather to a prominent magazine I contributed to, coinciding with Father’s Day two years ago.
Regrettably, their response was terse: “Not for our readership.” (AKA- “Not men.”) This rejection, despite the substantial editing and collaborative effort put into the piece about fathers on Father’s Day, did not respect the solemn nature of the day and its meaning to men.
Message received: Dishonor.
The feelings of dishonor struck at the core of my dignity, identity, and commitment to serving others through my unpaid contributions.
However, there was something invaluable to be gained from this temporary and prejudicial setback: I began to notice similar experiences happening to many other men, often in very subtle, almost imperceptible ways.
What significantly helped me was the rise of internet experts, armed with both formal credentials and self-styled infotainment, on the topic of something I wasn’t taught in school thirty years ago (as it was unknown or less prevalent in the populace): narcissistic abuse.
There is a wealth of education and training on the original pathology known as narcissism, dating back to Freud. However, this focus on narcissism often centers on the individual, rather than the intricate power dynamics present in romantic and other forms of relationships.
For me, this represented a new avenue of education. One speaker in particular, Andrew Gilroy, of the YouTube channel NarcDaily, has expertly illuminated the nuances of narcissistic abuse and its social implications. His discussions shed light on how narcissistic dynamics can manifest not just within romantic relationships but also in broader societal interactions, including social media landscapes where cancellation often lurks.
Gilroy’s insights emphasize that the damaging influence of narcissism is not isolated to individual behaviors; it permeates community interactions, creating a culture where empathy is overshadowed by envy and judgment. He argues that many individuals may unknowingly perpetuate cycles of harm, reinforcing negative narratives that demonize others instead of fostering understanding and forgiveness.
As I engaged with his content, I began to recognize parallels in my own experiences and those shared by others. The stories and discussions surrounding narcissistic abuse resonated deeply, allowing me to contextualize the feelings of dishonor, rejection, and frustration that I had encountered. It became clear: the pervasive cancellation culture, driven by envy and fear of vulnerability, inhibits our collective capacity for grace and redemption.
Seeing these things in everyday friendships, romantic relationships and work relationships in my patients, my friends, family and people I would encounter started to make sense as to why I started thinking so much on the topic of “Honor” and its definition.
If “Honor” is really “retained, respected value in services, efforts and good deeds already rendered,” then someone prone to being the aggressor in the “Narcissistic Abuse Cycle” that Andrew speaks about, and whose most frequent mode with others is going to be the “Devaluation Phase” of this cycle is going to of course, deny due, just “Honor” to those who have earned it in the relationship.
So, of course, men feel the absence of the Hera Instinct in their lives, and women feel the absence of the Zeus Instinct in their lives. The highly narcissistic person isn’t even playing the same game as you (the heartfelt growing love of human courtship, my area of expertise). Instead, they are playing something more akin to the game of “climbing the ladder of success (on your back).”
The term "honor" seems to have faded from our everyday conversations, yet I perceive it as embodying a sense of enduring worth, shaped by respect for past contributions, toil, and dedication.
This bestowed "value" upon others demands consistency, reliability, and significance, often originating from distinctive skills, talents, or expertise—such as those found in professions like a Navy Seal, a Delta Force operative, an airline pilot, an attorney, a doctor (or specialized exotic car mechanic), a hair stylist, a painter, or a ballet dancer.
Regrettably, the concept of "Honor" appears to have vanished from contemporary discourse. This absence brings to mind Janet Jackson's song, "What Have You Done for Me Lately?" Initially, I consider the feminine essence and the ancient instinct that I call the Hera Instinct, characterized by its nurturing, maternal, and affectionate regard for a son in his youth or a husband in his prime.
I encapsulate this notion in the emotional and tactile experience of fingers run through a man’s hair in the barber’s chair, symbolically akin to what Carl Jung would term "The Hera Archetype."
The essence of the song above implies that past acts of kindness, labor, or sacrifices are disregarded, irrespective of how they may have paved the way for an individual's present accomplishments or contentment.
Such disregard can be emotionally devastating for a long-time supporter, provider (exhibiting the Zeus trait in men—a part of the Zeus Instinct), or protector (also associated with Zeus), not unlike the feeling of being unrecognized for voluntary efforts made on Father's Day within an article dedicated to fathers.
Another song, Beyoncé's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)," evokes the implication of committing to labor, service, provision, and protection inherent in a man's decision to marry. However, it lacks the promise to honor or respect the enduring value of these efforts, establishing a one-sided arrangement without the mutual commitment of equal value, time, energy, labor, or contribution beyond the superficial appeal.
This refers to that "one-way deal" also seen in the “Narcissistic Abuse Cycle.” The “Devaluation Phase.”
Ultimately, the modern challenges we face regarding dishonor and the societal death penalty associated with cancellation reflect deeper issues within our culture. As we confront and navigate the complexities of human relationships and social dynamics, the importance of grace and understanding cannot be overstated.
We must strive to cultivate an environment where individuals—celebrities and everyday people alike—are afforded the grace to learn from their mistakes and the opportunity for redemption. By fostering dialogue and compassion over condemnation, we can begin to heal the rifts that divisiveness and envy have created.
So, as we reflect on concepts like honor, endearment, and grace, let us consider how we might embrace these principles in our daily lives, promoting a culture that values restoration over retribution. In a world marked by quick judgments and harsh penalties, perhaps it is time we re-evaluate our approach and choose empathy over malice, grace over cancellation.
The melody of our shared humanity can only thrive when we allow each other the space to stumble, to seek forgiveness, and ultimately, to rise again—just as Orpheus sought to reclaim his beloved Eurydice from the depths of despair.
Part 3 of this series of five articles follows soon…
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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