Male victims of narcissistic relationship abuse.
“The effects on the individual who has experienced narcissistic abuse can be fatal or extremely debilitating, long lasting and individual recovery can be a complex process.” (Howard 2019)
When it comes to relationship abuse and intimate partner violence, men are overwhelming portrayed as perpetrators. Despite such portrayals, research shows that rates of relationship violence are more balanced than such depictions suggest. Unsurprisingly, gender-specific resources for men who suffer relationship abuse are also particularly underserved.
“the DSM-V criteria for diagnosing narcissism may overemphasize the “grandiose” form of narcissism (more common in men) and overlook aspects of “covert” or “vulnerable” narcissism (which may be more common in women)”
Academically and popularly, the past decade has seen increased attention to narcissistic relationship abuse. Important academic publications have broached the topic psychologically and clinically, while popularly there are now dozens of YouTube channels and podcasts dedicated to the topic. Laudably, many of these resources recognize that men can also be victims of narcissistic relationship abuse. Recent research also suggests the DSM-V criteria for diagnosing narcissism may overemphasize the “grandiose” form of narcissism (more common in men) and overlook aspects of “covert” or “vulnerable” narcissism (which may be more common in women), leading to an overrepresentation of men in data.
There are millions of men suffering abuse at the hands of narcissistic partners. Many fail to recognize what is happening to them, while others have had their lives destroyed and resources depleted by these relationships. Narcissism destroys lives and leaves victims picking up pieces of shattered lives and identities. Becoming informed is one of the first steps for men to recognize these patterns and prepare themselves to act.
“the narcissist may describe the victim as their “savior” (especially common in covert/vulnerable narcissism)”
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is any form of relationship abuse where a narcissistic person takes advantage of their partner. In romantic relationships, this abuse follows an amazingly consistent pattern. First, there is usually an intense love and sex bombing stage during which the narcissist sucks in their victim and gets them heavily invested in the relationship. This is like a relationship’s honeymoon stage on steroids. Here, the narcissist may describe the victim as their “savior” (especially common in covert/vulnerable narcissism) and mirror their partner’s interests to build an intense connection and image they are a perfect match.
Once the narcissist knows their partner is invested, they gradually start devaluing their partner. Often slow and subtle at first, this devaluation becomes more intense over time. Devaluation can occur blatantly—as rage, insults, violence, or aggression—or more subtly—as gaslighting or passive-aggressiveness. This puts the victim on the defensive and gets them worried about the relationship. Many victims have caretaker or codependent tendencies, which make them particularly vulnerable to this type abuse because of their natural proclivity to be supportive—especially to people they love.
Interestingly, narcissists do not prey on weak victims. On the contrary, narcissists look for people that have admirable qualities or resources—looks, financial resources, career success, prestige, social status, etc.—and they seek partners who can boost their own egos.
Once the abuse begins, the victim will draw on their provider inclination to do all they can to console the narcissist in effort to get back to that intense honeymoon stage. However, that stage never returns. The narcissist continues exploiting their victim to satisfy their needs. This is often the narcissists’ insatiable need for attention, but it can also be a need to feed their egos being around admirable people, to exploit their victim sexually or financially, or their desire to exert control. The narcissist will accept the victim’s reconciliation efforts, but they are now in a cycle of abuse marked by the narcissist’s constant devaluation and the victim’s perpetual efforts to restore the relationship to that impossible state.
This cycle continues until the victim garners the courage to leave or until they are discarded. Once the narcissist gets bored of the victim or determines that they can no longer extract the resources from the relationship they want, narcissists usually discard their victims, leaving them confused, broken, and a shell of the person they once were. Narcissists often start grooming their next victim before their relationship with the first victim ends. When this discard happens, the victim is left with serious emotional and psychological damage. They are unable to fathom how a relationship that was like something out of a dream came crashing down in such devastating and dramatic fashion.
“Most existing resources on narcissistic abuse are gender neutral or approach it from a female perspective.”
In such relationships, narcissists mold their victims into who they want them to be, stripping them of their identity and ultimately making them into a supportive staff in the narcissist’s life. The victim’s goals, ambitions, and needs are ignored while the narcissist refocuses all of the relationship resources onto themselves. This is often achieved through a trauma bond, whereby the victim develops a deep connection to their abuser through a repeated cycle of intense reward and punishment. In the process, narcissists often try to isolate the victim from their support network of family, friends, and acquaintances. Thus, when a discard happens, victims are left especially vulnerable and traumatized.
Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
Most existing resources on narcissistic abuse are gender neutral or approach it from a female perspective. While some resources explicitly consider the male perspective, as with IPV, male victims of narcissistic abuse remain considerably understudied and underserved in terms of gender-specific resources.
When considering male victims of narcissistic abuse relative to recent research on men’s psychology and mental health, there are serious issues regarding men’s recovery from such relationships that deserve attention. These include the stigma of being a male victim of a female perpetrator, which can prevent a man seeing himself as a victim, and others recognizing him as a victim. Another issue is the heightened risk of suicide in men who experience relationship breakdown. A further issue is the perceived lack of support available to men (for sources of support, see below).
The nature of narcissistic abuse inherently destroys victims’ identities. Identity loss after a relationship ends is common, but after a narcissistic relationship this loss can be particularly intense. Male victims can lose self-confidence and a sense of direction and may suffer professional and financial damage. Additionally, female narcissists’ behaviors are often aimed directly at a man’s sense of masculinity psychologically, financially, personally, and sexually, which aims to devalue their sense of manhood and make them further dependent on their abuser. Victims need time to recover from this, but the shock this can have to men’s sense of identity can be especially debilitating. Recovery needs to focus on reclaiming the aspects of masculine identity that were destroyed during the relationship. Victims can find it incredibly difficult to move on and leave behind their idealized life with their abuser. The narcissist created an image that they and their victims would share a perfect life together, something referred to as “future faking.” Leaving this imagined life behind is immensely challenging because the high moments were as if they were straight out of a fairy tale. Being able to detach from this fantastical version of the future and see the relationship for what it was—an abusive, exploitative, and harmful connection built on lies—is incredibly painful and time consuming.
For divorces and situations with children involved, negative stereotypes of men often severely disadvantage them. Narcissists will put on amazing shows in courts to conceal their abusive tactics and even make themselves out to be the ones harmed by such relationships. Victims are often at a loss with how to respond. Men intending to take narcissist partners to court, need to be aware of the challenges they face.
A Short Story
I learned about narcissistic abuse when I realized that something in my past relationship was not right. I had been in difficult relationships before, but something here was just too extreme. The highs were higher than anything I ever experienced, while the lows were more brutal, vicious, and disparaging than I could ever imagine. No matter what concessions I made, the lows just kept getting lower. I continued hoping that my partner would see the value in our relationship and see that we were just a few steps away from that ideal future we had discussed. But the more I hoped, the further we got from that ideal. The cycle just kept playing out in more disheartening ways. Ultimately, as every resource on narcissistic abuse said would happen, I was discarded and replaced. I hung on to hope for as long as possible, even resuscitating the relationship on my own volition several times despite knowing how unhealthy it was. I also contributed by acting out negatively in response to the abuse and failing to set and enforce boundaries, both of which are common in victims. When it was over, I was left utterly confused, broken, and finding it hard just to get through daily activates. It also took substantial time to start reimaging a different future.
Resources
The best resource to recover from narcissistic abuse is working with a therapist who specializes in relationship abuse. If men are feeling suicidal in or after such a relationship, it is crucial to reach out for appropriate support. However, if you cannot access a therapist or are still unsure of what’s going on, here are resources that I found useful in my own experience. These are not endorsements of these materials, and these are simply what I liked when I was trying to get by after my own ordeal.
Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse (Shannon Thomas): The first book I read on the subject, this resource was eye-opening, relatable, educational, and accessible. It is academically informed and offers a six-stage model of recovery. If you are unsure whether you are in an abusive relationship, this book will help. I recommend everyone start here because the abusive patterns are applicable to a wide range of relationships.
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People (Jackson MacKenzie): A helpful book written from the perspective of an abuse survivor. On my first read, I did not appreciate this book as much as others because it wasn’t as academic. However, once I found myself discarded and at a loss for what to do, literally every page in this book became relatable. I started using these relatable pieces as writing prompts in my own healing journey.
Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship: A Caretaker's Guide to Recovery, Empowerment, and Transformation (Margalis Fjelstad): An excellent academically informed book that will help you determine whether or not you are in an abusive narcissistic relationship. It also contains important advice for recovering and journal prompts for helping you better understand your feelings. Fjelstad argues that people who attract and stay with narcissistic often have “caretaker” tendencies that their abusers.
Lise Leblanc: In my opinion, this is the best YouTube channel for men suffering from narcissistic abuse. Most of Leblanc’s videos are specifically aimed at men who suffer abuse at the hands of female partners, and she recognizes how underserved this subpopulation is. Leblanc’s videos are frighteningly relatable; they are as if she was secretly viewing my life for two years. Again, if you are unsure what is going on or if you need some support, this is a great place to start. No reading involved, and short 10–15-minute videos will provide all you need to know.
Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life (Les Carter): Perhaps the first academically informed mainstream book about narcissistic abuse. This book is another great resource for understanding narcissistic abuse in partners. Les Carter also hosts an informative podcast, Surviving Narcissism.
Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse: Another podcast for understanding narcissistic abuse and the challenges that come from it. The episodes are filled with personal stories, guests, and analyses of narcissistic personality disorder.
Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse (Dana Morningstar): An excellent introductory book explaining the effects of relationship abuse. Includes many examples and a dictionary of common terms relating to relationship abuse. A short and accessible read to determine if your relationship might be an unhealthy one.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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