Little sympathy or support for the father of an abducted daughter

Nov 12

I'm a father to two daughters. My first daughter was born in 2014 and I was married to her mother at the time. Some 13 months later, our daughter was taken by her mother to be illegally retained overseas, in the country of birth of our daughter's mother. On the journey since then, I've accepted that I'm a victim of domestic abuse via coercive control.

Previous campaigning experience
Prior to meeting my ex-wife, I had been heavily involved in road safety campaigning, or road danger reduction as it is also known. Little would I know at the time how the skills that I acquired would serve me well in holding institutions and elected officials to account to support male victims of domestic abuse. In both fields there is a tendency for the powers that be to resort to sound bites and 'common-sense solutions' rather engage with the evidence in a meaningful way.

When I realised that I was a victim of coercive control and narcissistic behaviour, my way of managing was to learn. ‘Freedom through knowledge’ as they say, and it's clearly a way that I have learnt in my life to deal with stress. Knowing from my past campaigning experiences that I was unlikely to be the first on this journey, I started to connect with various groups and individuals. I attended a lecture where Dr John Barry introduced Dr Robin Hadley who spoke to male childlessness, which was fascinating.

“I asked my London Assembly member to put forward questions to the Mayor. I recall one incident where I […] took the opportunity to ask for an update. She retorted, ‘Now you know what women have been dealing with for decades!’”

Holding those in power to account
As I started to have a better understanding of the wider political space in terms of domestic abuse, I understood that I could use my experience both of being a victim and understanding how to campaign to seek improvements and better support for others who will undoubtedly follow in my footsteps.

Living in London, I asked my London Assembly member to put forward questions to the Mayor. I recall one incident where I happened across the female member in question at the time and took the opportunity to ask for an update. She retorted, “Now you know what women have been dealing with for decades!” Needless to say, I have chosen to never again ask that elected rep for support.

Fortunately I was able to connect with Liberal Democrat assembly members who have been prepared to put forward questions to the Mayor of London. Sadly the responses are unsurprising, but it is stark how little support in practise actually exists for male victims. According to the Mayor's own report in London 1 in 4 victims of domestic abuse are male (though some research puts the figure closer to 1 in 2). Yet questions about accommodation for victims of domestic abuse show that out of the just over 900 units available in London none are open to men and their children.

The current Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has been vocal in proclaiming that London is inclusive. As a successful front line politician for decades now, he's shown to be adept at keeping in line with the currents of power. Regrettably, that has resulted in men in London getting the raw end of the stick when it comes to support. With central government having placed victims of domestic abuse as a subset of VAWG (Violence Against Women and Girls), and Women's Aid being the secretariat for the APPG on Domestic Violence, it's no real surprise that male victims of abuse and their children are ignored.

At the time of writing, I haven't seen my daughter who is overseas in more than six years and her mother has prevented us speaking regularly for almost four calendar years in that period. Such deliberate 'denial of contact' as it is referred to in the Family Court jargon, does constitute child abuse and post separation domestic abuse. I approached one of my councillors, who is a cabinet member for my local council, to ask what support exists given my ongoing challenges. The council had recently published a new VAWG strategy. The response came back, that 'I'm very sorry but this isn't a priority for colleagues working on VAWG'.

More questions are going into City Hall as a result.
The responses to the questions to date are a graphic example of gamma bias in action. In theory, all victims of domestic abuse should be supported as per the Equality Act 2010, but in practice female victims of abuse get - in terms of accommodation - 100% of the resources in London. In theory a senior council politician should ensure council officers provide fair and equal support for all victims of domestic abuse but in reality these officers can dismiss a male victim seeking help.

There is plenty of marketing directed towards men, claiming that men don't speak out or ask for help. The harder reality is that men do often speak out or seek help, but a man being brave and showing his strength through his vulnerability is so uncomfortable for many people in society that we, as a collective, don't want to listen/help or support those men. In contrast, I have found some organisations are much more open to men. Samaritans have been invaluable, as have Reunite, a charity that supports parents faced with children being taken/kept overseas.

“I went to purchase Christmas presents for my daughter. There’s a complex sadness that comes with knowing I'll never see her open these presents, and never share in her excitement and joy at finding out what’s under that wrapping paper.”

Debilitating impacts
The emotional toll this prolonged form of abuse takes is hard to put into words. Imagine Kafka, Orwell and Carrolls' stories all rolled into one. Fortunately my work situation is one where I'm not only self-employed, but the nature of my work has allowed me to listen to my body and take the time out to rest as/when needed. If I had been in a more formal employee role, I have no doubt that I would have been made redundant with the knock-on impacts of loss of income and likely loss of home that would follow.

A simple example was when I went to purchase Christmas presents for my daughter. There’s a complex sadness that comes with knowing I'll never see her open these presents, and never share in her excitement and joy at finding out what’s under that wrapping paper. It also comes with the knowledge that the controlling nature of the home environment means that even if she is feeling excited, she knows that she can't express excitement for anything that is related to me. This was evidenced in the past year, when we spoke about the Christmas present I got for her last year. She had ended up using her pocket money to purchase something similar. I remember affirming that I felt that she had done so, as using my present might not be possible, but having something similar allows her to feel closer to me and she has permission as she has brought it herself.

As much as with certain traumatic life events there are a multitude of coping strategies, the difference here is that it is ongoing. I'm no longer grieving the loss of the former aspirations of family life with my ex-wife that I once did, but I'm constantly stuck in a legal purgatory and constructed conflict. Because civil courts make decisions on the balance of probabilities I can’t get anyone to look at facts and evidence, which is key for safeguarding.

Looking forward
I'm confident that the more those of us who have been on these challenging journeys speak out and ask robust questions of those in power, the closer we'll get to better provision being available for men and their children who are seeking support and a way out from an abusive home.

Recently I've reflected on changing expectations for aspirations. In lowering my expectations in light of my experiences, as bleak as that is, I'm less likely to become distressed when me and my daughter are prevented from seeing or speaking with each other. I’m holding onto the aspiration that one day we'll be able to regularly see and/or speak with each other, and that one day institutions and people in positions of power will protect children like my daughter. That is a consistent position I feel I can hold, one which is based on hope, looking forward to the future. It’s an aspiration; it can’t be taken away from me.

I became a father again in 2023 without my consent having been sought to bring a new child into the world. As a result of my experience of fatherhood first time around, aside from paying child maintenance and wishing the mother and our daughter well, I have chosen to not be involved in any way in my second daughter's life.

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