“Grace” and Masculine Energy. (The final part of the six-part ‘Chivalry and Endearment’ article series).
Image: The Parthenon, located on the Acropolis in Athens, Greece. [Permission: Creative Commons].
This is the final in a series of six articles by Dr Dobransky covering the phases of Sexual, Emotional, and Intellectual Attraction. The previous articles in the series can be found here, here, here, here and here.
DEFINITION OF GRACE:
courteous goodwill - example: "at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her”
Do honor or credit to someone by one’s presence; to acknowledge another’s personhood
For about fifteen years, I hosted nearly monthly seminars for men and women focused on dating and romance. These gatherings were organized as all-male or all-female sessions, designed to create a comfortable space for participants to share their intimate thoughts and learn from one another.
Throughout these years, one of the most remarkable insights I gathered was a distillation of the essential masculine and feminine instincts that underpin the processes of emotional attachment in love. I took the time to compile the most heartfelt expressions of endearment that a father might share with his daughter, capturing the essence of his profound role in her life. Similarly, I gathered the words that encapsulate the foundational role of a mother in her son’s life.
In each of these classes, I identified key phrases that represented the essence of what the Zeus Instinct means to women and what the Hera Instinct signifies for men. At the conclusion of every women’s class, I would pose a poignant question:
“In all your life, have you ever heard a man say to you (other than your own father) the words: ‘Everything’s going to be alright. I’ll take care of it.’”
Every time, there would be some weeping in the back of the room, symbolizing the emotional impoverishment many women felt regarding their experiences with this Zeus Instinct. This phrase encapsulated the most powerful sentiments a man could express to a woman.
Contrastingly, upon hearing this question, many others in the class would smile or appear at peace, temporarily buoyed by the reassurance that such words, while rare, held significant weight.
However, from about 2005 to 2020, I observed a growing trend in the women’s classes; the sobbing became more frequent, while the smiles and feelings of assurance began to diminish.
In my experience, a man should spend 95% of his communication time actively listening to a woman—truly understanding and appreciating her insights. If he does respond, speaking words akin to those I shared, he’ll provide a message that resonates deeply with her heart and mind.
Perhaps then, and only then, would she remain by his side, potentially rekindling her emotional response, which I refer to as "Endearment."
“In every men’s seminar, I would conclude […] “Have you ever in your life, from a woman other than from your own mother, heard the words: ‘I believe in you.’” From the expressions in the room, it became evident that only a few men had experienced such affirmations […] The emotional poverty in these men is severe”
Tragically, the men’s classes presented a different scene altogether: stoic, blank expressions dominated the faces of many participants, while uncontrollable sobbing echoed from the backs of the rooms.
In every men’s seminar, I would conclude with a summation of everything that the Hera Instinct represents:
“Have you ever in your life, from a woman other than from your own mother, heard the words: ‘I believe in you.’”
From the expressions in the room, it became evident that only a few men had experienced such affirmations from an adult woman, with the fortunate few sitting in the front of the class.
The emotional poverty in these men is severe and growing, leaving them at a loss for how to address their deep-seated feelings of starvation for acknowledgement.
This phrase encapsulates a mother’s feelings toward her son—an expression of unconditional love and support. Not only is he cherished, but he is also preferred above all other boys in the world, a unique individual whose spirit deserves to be nurtured and encouraged.
The words representing a mother's feelings toward her son are a sophisticated summation of deep emotional truth.
He is not only cherished but held in higher regard than all other boys in the world. He is one of a kind, and she is committed to ensuring her spirit supports and nourishes him in the life mission that she hopes he will eventually succeed in.
This support isn’t about molding him into her ideal—that is, shaping him like clay—but rather about recognizing and nurturing his unique potential as an adult man. She sees this potential in him as early as childhood and believes in him deeply.
This belief is perhaps the most powerful affirmation a woman can offer a man.
If you want him to remain dedicated to serving you for life, remind him of this belief every now and then. We now know that the principles of attachment once thought to exist exclusively between mother and child, also apply to the early stages of adult romantic love.
Traditionally, we attached to one another in the exciting landscape of early love. However, today, we often encounter “toxicity” at every turn in our lives.
Men “have a deep-seated desire to serve and to “take care of things.” However, this instinct can wither away due to emotional starvation and a deeper lack—a deprivation of the masculine energy”
But is it truly as prevalent among the individuals we might fall in love with? Or could the real toxicity stem from societal messages that encourage us to hate and devalue one another?
The two interpretations of “Grace” intersect within the broader concept of “Honor.” This honor recognizes the intrinsic personhood of another.
When granting “Grace” to men, it requires acknowledging and respecting their innate proclivity, driven by the Zeus Instinct, to solve problems, protect, provide, father, and ensure that “everything is alright.” They have a deep-seated desire to serve and to “take care of things.”
However, this instinct can wither away due to emotional starvation and a deeper lack—a deprivation of the masculine energy described by Freud as “libido.” This essence reflects life energy, charisma, exuberance, and eagerness, which can only flourish when there is mutual empowerment through attachment to the Hera Instinct
In adult social interactions, there exists a profound yearning to be loved and cherished for one’s highest potential as a man, and this often comes from a woman other than one's mother. This critical essence seems conspicuously absent in our society, overshadowed by the pervasive influence of advertising, entertainment media, and the scripted communications we mindlessly echo in our digital exchanges.
Reflecting on this void—triggered by a poignant question from my friend leading to the concept of "Endearment"—I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. I struggled to recall the last time a woman had tenderly run her fingers through my hair purely out of joy or fleeting attraction, free from ulterior motives or societal expectations.
“Endearment.”
While such gestures may have taken place for various reasons—social gain, reciprocation, or as a facade of affection expected in circumstances like engagements to ensure a favorable marriage—the genuine essence of the Hera Instinct in "Endearment" lies in the simple phrase, “I believe in you.” This sentiment is rooted in authentic adoration and attachment, which is often sought in the pursuit of a soulmate. It represents a nurturing interpersonal connection that has grown scarcer in our increasingly transactional world.
The term "soulmate" seems to have vanished from contemporary dialogue, epitomizing the gradual erosion of authentic, heartfelt connections between individuals.
The underlying cause of this diminishing "endearment" within our culture is found in media, entertainment, academia, therapeutic practices, education systems at all levels, and the very fabric of our households. This signifies a prevalent silence surrounding the Hera Instinct—the feminine impulse guiding a woman's conduct during the critical phase of human courtship.
Traditionally symbolized as the wife of Zeus, Hera embodied a multifaceted dynamic with her mate, characterized by love, admiration, conflict, and shared rulership over Mount Olympus. This archetype of a once vital and revered feminine figure, whose nurturing and steadfast presence served as a source of sustenance and care for her son, encapsulates the essence of the Hera Instinct.
This intrinsic instinct, manifest in the interactions between adult women and the men they esteem, offers a unique blend of compassion, attentiveness, and soul-nourishing affection. This is the primal yearning that men seek to rediscover daily—a desire rooted in the feminine ability to express profound love for individuals as they are, enhancing their inherent worth and identity.
We have all likely heard from the U.S. Surgeon General about the “epidemic of loneliness”—a void that leaves both men and women grappling with profound isolation.
The resounding answer to this crisis echoes the absence of "endearment."
This longing signifies the echo of the Hera Instinct felt from one’s earliest days, tracing back to the very first moments of life, even those we cannot remember—when a mother gently stroked the fine, sparse hairs of her newborn’s head. This innate impulse drives every man's quest to rediscover and embrace a genuine, unadulterated expression of love, essential for fostering altruism and meaningful contributions to society.
If you want a man to do anything for you, this will be the only encouragement that has a chance of bringing him back to life.
The cure for the “epidemic of loneliness” lies in every man saying to a woman once a day, “Everything will be alright. I’ll take care of it.”
This is the Chivalry of Zeus.
And for every woman to say to a man, once a day, using her own words that convey, “I believe in you.”
This represents the Endearment of Hera.
It communicates, “I see you, and you have meaning to me.”
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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