Feel the fear – it might save someone’s life
Picture: Project Jeb Poster
Now that you've gotten to know me a little after reading part one of my life I figure we should delve a little deeper into my fuel, what drives #ProjectJeb one step after the other.
The answer is fear.
Fear is a huge driver for me and #ProjectJeb. Fear of another male suicide striking close to home.
Fear that I would be a day late.
Fear that when a man needed to reach out, in his distressed state, he could not find the hotline number.
Fear realized...
Back on sleepy hollow across the street from our family home another family started out. They had 3 sons like our family. I will call the sons A B and C.
A was the same age as me and born about 10 months after me.
B was the same age as my little brother and born within a few weeks of each other.
C was born a few years after A and B.
By then their family had moved to another part of town.
Back about 4 years ago I saw what I call red flags above B's head. Divorce, family court, parental alienation, which lead to poor job performance, leading to job loss and compounding health issues.
Their family had grown up and spread themselves across Canada, I kept in touch with A and B, C here and there. When I saw the red flags popping up above B’s head I reached out to him. I knew folks who worked on family court issues and would be willing to donate my time to help cut costs down for B.
Nothing I did seemed to work to motivate B to get out of his red flag funk.
I reached out to B's brother A in British Columbia. I chatted a little with A small talk, not really knowing how to introduce the real reason I was calling.
Finally I ran out of small talk topics and told A my suspicions that his little brother B was in a bad state and I did not like the issues I saw weighing down on him. I urged A my oldest friend, a friend I've known since we were in diapers to get out here and try and drag B out of his funk.
We end our call and A said he would be out shortly.
A made it as far as Winnipeg… and then B was gone.
My biggest fear was realized, their family's horrific tragedy.
When A got to town I wasn't aware that B had killed himself, but I did receive word that A was asking around at my old family home.
A was beside himself and full of self-hate, survivors guilt I suppose would be the technical term. The terms at the time matter little to me.
What I did face was the task of keeping A from self destructing in, what I would assume was the most punishing way possible. A was so close and yet so far from possibly being to help B. But even if A had made it in time to B there was no guarantee B still wouldn't have ended his own life anyways.
In this thing it’s like that - no guarantees.
“Fear is a huge motivator for me and Project Jeb. Fear it will happen again to another close long time friend, or their son. Fear that as the numbers keep rolling my family's number will come up again.”
By the time I met up with A he was already drunk and, as I would find out later on, into some of the nastier things you can indulge in from the substance abuse sandbox. A just wanted to drink and substance abuse himself into oblivion and then wanted to pick a fight because he couldn't beat himself up anymore. He needed someone else to do it for him.
I was there for it. I stopped it before it got too out of hand, but not before someone had called the police.
A was soon in the back of a cruiser wearing a set of matching chrome bracelets and the officers found drug paraphernalia in his jacket pocket. It was not a bong for weed. It wasn't needles but it wasn't pretty.
Fear was motivating me a lot through this. I was afraid A was going to end up with compounding issues that could possibly throw him into a worse state, if there could be such a thing.
I talked to the police and the victim and explained A's recent history and how he just lost his little brother to suicide. I didn’t have to exaggerate or tell any lies - A's actions were off to anyone paying attention. He was clearly a man in great distress, understandably so, I brokered a deal that if I could guarantee A would stay off the street and not interact with the victim at all he would be released into my custody.
Apparently my work had preceded me and the officers were aware of what I do.
A was released into my custody. I found a safe place for him to cool down from his recent experiences and proceeded to try and keep his self-harm to a minimum.
Again fear. Fear I would fail in this.
A left a couple of weeks later. We still talk. I worry about him. He still has his demons eating away at his soul one substance use at a time.
Fear is a huge motivator for me and Project Jeb.
Fear it will happen again to another close long time friend, or their son.
Fear that as the numbers keep rolling my family's number will come up again. I got a big family.
But I don't let fear stop me or Project Jeb, it pushes us one more step down the road.
[Editors note: This story is told to explain the deeply personal and relational background to suicide - there is no intention to blame or caricature any person in any simplistic way. Equally there is a need to talk about the personal impact that people have on each other in families and in other social groups.]
If you have been impacted by the suicide of someone close to you, or thoughts of suicide, phone Samaritans on 116 123 (UK & Ireland), who are open 24 hours per day, every day of the year. In Canada phone 1-833-456-4566.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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Dan Perrins
Ordinary man driven to delivering one-man voluntary community health promotion by extraordinary circumstances. I run #ProjectJeb throughout Southern Ontario, Canada, hoping to improve men’s mental health by spreading the Four Pillars of Jeb. #MenMatter no more or less than #WomenMatter. Be a Jeb-i warrior - be a force for good.