The long, dark shadow of parental alienation

Oct 27

[Editor’s note: This article follows on from a previous article by the same author here. The author is known to the editor, but would like to remain anonymous. Names of people, places and organisations have been changed to preserve anonymity. The following account is his personal story. The editors believe it is important that therapists know of stories like this so that they can better understand the lived experiences of their male clients].

I have been asked to say a bit more about my experience of parental alienation. How do I make sense of what happened? What, if anything, have I learned? What needs to change?

Even after I realised that my father was not what I had been told, it took time to make sense of what had happened. I had psychotherapy at least once a week for about seven years. This took time away from building a career. It was however time well spent and, I believe, absolutely necessary.

The time:
Looking back, I believe my mother probably had an unrealistic expectation of marriage and family life. She not infrequently spoke of people who thought that marriage was so wonderful that it would solve all their problems and make them happy for ever more.

Her own marriage was, like any marriage must be, less than perfect. Her husband worked long hours and came home tired. Having a husband and children restricted her free time. She was not always comfortable in social situations and did not like having to accompany her husband to events organised by his employer. If she had expected marriage and children to make everything perfect, it had not done this.

“She would tell people how my father held me under the water in a swimming pool so that I panicked. I have many good memories of swimming with my father but not remember this ever happening.”

All of this took place in the mid-1960s. This was a time when women were being ‘liberated’. Women’s Liberation, as it was then known, was on the move. Old ideas about marriage and family were being challenged. Was marriage necessary? Surely a strong, determined woman (especially one supported by her mother) could provide all that a child would need?

Some may say that a child needs two parents. However, my brother and I effectively had two parents – a mother and a live-in grandmother, and of course it was assumed without saying that a child needs a mother more than a father.

Why was my mother believed?
My mother’s story was convincing. She could look someone straight in the eye and lie. She would tell people how my father held me under the water in a swimming pool so that I panicked. I have many good memories of swimming with my father but not remember this ever happening. She said that my father would deliberately hurt my brother or myself then claim it was an accident. I do not recall seeing or experiencing anything like this. Perhaps to some degree she believed the lies herself which would make them all the more convincing.

“Of course, mother’s version of events was supported by her mother and by my brother and myself. Even if we had not believed mother’s depiction of our father, the power dynamic was such that we were not going to say this.”

Mother knew how to manipulate people and situations. She had the playful, innocent, yet somewhat vulnerable persona of a child. How could someone who seemed so innocent and naïve be lying? I suspect that many people on hearing her story wanted to rescue or at least comfort her.

Of course, mother’s version of events was supported by her mother and by my brother and myself. Even if we had not believed mother’s depiction of our father, the power dynamic was such that we were not going to say this.

How do I understand my mother now? Psychologically, mother showed definite traits of narcissistic personality disorder. Her image was all important. When she felt herself failing as a wife, her response was not to ask for help but to separate from her husband and engage in scapegoating. Father was seen as being all evil. She was portrayed as all good.

Narcissism can explain much of what I experienced with my mother – but not all. Why was there a need for revenge? Why did she contact my colleague and try to derail my career? This would have been of no benefit to her except to have the pleasure of seeing me fail.

While in therapy I read psychiatrist M Scott Peck’s book, People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil. It did not answer all my questions, nor did I agree with everything the author said, but it was helpful to see the subtlety of evil and its devastating effects. I did agree with the author when he said that more research into the nature of evil is needed.

In People of the Lie Peck defined evil as ‘the force residing either inside or outside human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness.’ Although parental alienation does not result in immediate death it does have the potential to erode a person’s ability to enjoy life, to be happy and to thrive. I hesitate to call anyone ‘evil’ yet when considering my mother’s behaviour, it is the best explanation I can find.

“Parental alienation is subtle. It leaves no visible scars. The victim may see the perpetrator as their rescuer. A loving parent can be seen as the villain. There will be no cry for help from the one who is being abused. Still, it is evil.”

As I write this, I am aware that in the twenty-first century we may shy away from using the word ‘evil’ – except perhaps when a child is murdered or in the case of dictators or tyrants. Yet, I have come to the conclusion that evil is much more common, and more subtle, than we realise. Lying about someone breaks one of the ten commandments, ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour’ (Exodus 20: 16). It is therefore a long-established principle in Western thought.

Parental alienation is subtle. It leaves no visible scars. The victim may see the perpetrator as their rescuer. A loving parent can be seen as the villain. There will be no cry for help from the one who is being abused. Still, it is evil.

It is said that, ‘The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.’ If health and legal professionals, legislators and the community at large do not recognise parental alienation and act evil will triumph. Children, and indeed all of us, will suffer as a result.

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