One man’s experience of how the family court system can impact the mental health of fathers
Some research estimates that around 20% of suicides by middle aged men are related to family breakdown, and one of the most stressful aspects of family breakdown is being prevented from seeing one’s children. No surprise then that a leading judge is attributed as saying that ‘since the demise of the death penalty in the UK, the greatest punishment the state can impose is to remove a parent from their children’.
But surely, you say, the court process in the UK is a fair process? Well according to family court judge Sir James Munby, President of the Family Division:
“…it needs to be accepted, with honesty and candour, that there have been in recent years in the family courts shocking examples of professional malpractice…” (cited in McGovern, 2021).
Let me tell you about my experience of losing my children to the family courts.
I was accused of being a serial perpetrator of domestic violence including kicking and then killing the family dog. In reality, not only had I never engaged in domestic violence, we never even had a family dog (and I have 19 witness statements in court confirming this).
But this accusation was processed by the family court in secret, I was then booted from the family home and removed from the care of our children without notification.
I am going to attempt now to describe the unbelievable stress I experienced when faced with false accusations of domestic violence. Bear in mind that a man faced with such accusations has little legal support compared to women who make such accusations.
As I say in my book, once you find yourself in the teeth of the family court process: “It is then that you have the horrible empty pit feeling in your stomach. Family and friends have up to that point been supportive and very helpful, but they can no longer keep up with it. They have lives to lead, this has gone on for months so far, a massive wrong has been done to you and your children, but now emotion is a handicap because it is not nearly sufficient for where you now are. Everything and every value you hold dear is irrelevant, you are now in their make-believe world, and it makes Alice In Wonderland appear logical.”
“… they have all the advantage because you and I, and all the other mugs in society have paid and are paying for them.”
“These are the authorities responsible for maintaining and setting standards for the good of society. Huge taxes are required to educate, house, train, maintain, and all for what? The public good we are told. It reminds me of the scene in The Wizard of Oz, when, near the end, the Great Oz is blustering and bluffing when they are in his magnificent castle, his voice and indignation is thunderous and very frightening, and then the little dog Toto pulled apart the curtain and the entire bluff was revealed. The problem is the Wizard of Oz and Alice In Wonderland are fairy tales, where good triumphs over evil. In life when dealing with corrupt local government and their compliant regulators there is no happy ending, no triumph of good over evil. There is just horrible trench warfare, where they have all the advantage because you and I, and all the other mugs in society have paid and are paying for them. While that continues, coupled with aggressive protectionism of malpractice by the regulators who feed from the same trough, the average citizen is going to keep being dumped on.
We now arrive at what I consider my personal crossroads. From June 2007 until August, I was only trying to get Brent council and its agencies to look at where they had gone wrong and correct it where possible in my case. I genuinely believed I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and matters would be looked at from a child centred logical viewpoint. After all, this is their job, and they are professionals. I was trying to protect myself and get back into the children’s lives as I knew they missed me terribly. In fact, during the weeks I was not allowed to see them I started to panic that I would not remember what they looked like, and I posted pictures of them in several places in the semi converted garage I was living in.
The Family Courts were very angry about this back-door justice as they saw it and the Judge promptly ordered supervised contact to begin immediately. At last I thought, a human with a brain and common sense, who can see through this nonsense and are focused on the children. The children had repeatedly requested to all who would listen, that they wanted to go on holiday with me to see my parents in Ireland, something they had done every summer. To my astonishment and utter delight at a hearing in August 2007, the Judge ordered that I have the children for a week and could take them out of the jurisdiction to Ireland for eight days. Joy of joys, all the pain was worth it so far, the children could enjoy something normal after the horrible year and matters would only get better for them and I, and indeed both parents.”
“My protestations about what was happening to our eldest were totally ignored. I had become present, but invisible.”
“I had foolishly underestimated the sheer savagery and determination of Brent officers and social services to do what they want, irrespective of court orders and whatever damage that would and did cause to our children. At my ex-wife's request, a social worker from Brent was despatched to the nursery where our then three-year-old child was having a nap. The social worker woke him up, and repeatedly asked him how he felt about going to Ireland on holidays with his dad. She also kept asking him if he preferred to stay with his mother. At the third question, the little boy said his mother before his father. After interviewing our oldest boy then aged nine, who was under horrendous pressure, the Brent social worker, wrote that she did not recommend the two boys travel with me. I implored the social worker and the council to put the children first and assist in carrying out the court order, which after all was made in the children's interest. I was repeatedly ignored and fobbed off. During that holiday whilst not with me, the oldest boy started self-harming and talked about killing himself. There was a social services case conference scheduled for one week after the holiday. This horrifying information had come to my attention regarding the eldest boy. What do you think was the action of social services at the case conference? Case closed, the children were taken off the At Risk Register. The father was no longer in the family home and now the children were deemed safe. My protestations about what was happening to our eldest were totally ignored. I had become present, but invisible.
I had never known real anger in my life until then. I had often felt irritated, annoyed, disgruntled about various matters, but never real anger. After the events described, I felt an anger that I realised would consume me if I did not control it. My way of dealing with it was to smash the unregulated wilful child endangering policies and actions of the local council.”
Basically, what kept me alive was the incredible support I received from family and friends. The Court granted me shared residence of our children. The post-divorce stress of not being allowed to parent your children is a huge factor in male suicide. Although I have described my experiences as much as I can in this article, I am unable to truly describe the horrible pain of having been there.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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