A Philosopher ponders ‘What Do Men Want?’ Insights and quotations from Nina Power’s book

Nina Power is a philosopher, cultural critic, social theorist and writer. Her book One-Dimensional Woman (2009) pondered the question “Where have all the interesting women gone?” Now, Power has turned her attention to men with her brand new book ‘What Do Men Want? Masculinity and Its Discontents’. At the time of writing, its second Amazon review was a scathing attack by an unverified purchaser called ‘Pumpkinhead’, who titles her review ‘Womansplaining’ and barks “A woman telling men how to be men. Stay in your lane, pls.”

Like ‘Pumpkinhead’, you could be forgiven for thinking ‘who is this Nina Power? And who is she to talk about what men want and tell us what’s up with their masculinity?’  Well in her new book, Power says we shouldn’t shy away from such questions, we should discuss them.  She reminds us that, after all, “Men have for a long time speculated on what it is that women want, and bemoaned as well as celebrated the ‘mystery’ of women and femininity”.

But the reasons for her writing this book are deeper and more complex than this. She wrote it: “Partly because I have been personally and politically disturbed by the division created by media and technology between men and women in my own lifetime.  Partly because I feel that men and women have had their lives reduced to generalizations by a media that loves sweeping claims: I think that these claims don’t accord in the slightest with the complex reality of our lives.” On her website she adds “It’s an attempt, among other things, to understand both male resentment and female anger (and vice versa)”.

Personally, I very much value Power’s contribution to this discussion. It could be argued that her writing captures much of what is in plain sight, but I would suggest that many people today struggle to recognise let alone articulate these issues, no matter how obvious they may seem, or no matter how much they have been exposed to them. This makes Power’s analysis all the more valuable. The remainder of this article highlights some of her more perspicacious insights on men and women, toxic masculinity, incels, patriarchy, Western culture, and the ‘men are bad’ narrative.

On men and women
While so much of the discussion of sex differences attracts negativity, Power reminds us of our common humanity:

“Men and women exist.  Occasionally, we even like each other.  We exist because of these two simple truths.  We all owe our lives to the fact that it is possible – at least sometimes – for and women to get along. All human life stems from the reality of, and difference between, men and women.” (p.1).

“It is not necessarily sexist or essentialist to say that men and women are different in interestingly compatible ways.  Together we civilize each other.  We curb each other’s worst excesses.  The graceful dance of men and women, regardless of their sexuality, is the stuff of culture.  It makes us who we are, collectively.” (p.52)


Toxic masculinity
I think it’s fair to say that the idea that masculinity is toxic, or can be toxic, has been taken well beyond its utility and become, well, toxic.  As Power puts it:

“Men today are subject to a series of contradictory instructions but at the same time warned that their version of masculinity might be exhibiting privilege, or even be toxic.  To encourage independence with support, to make every man an island, to make him solely responsible for everything that happens to him, is to create an anxious being for whom any missteps, social or sexual, are minefields.” (p.130)


Incels
The word incel refers to a person (almost invariably a man) who regards himself or herself as being involuntarily celibate.  Whenever incels are mentioned, it’s rare for them not to be treated like some horrid pathogen emerging from the deepest and darkest corners of the virtual world to cause havoc and seek revenge on the rest of society, especially women.  They are the new baddy in town.  Power brings us back down to earth on this matter:

“Wanting to be loved is a deeply human desire.  When these young men come together to commiserate online, they are not only sharing their resentment at being unable to find love, but are creating a community for outsiders.  Society loves to pile on its ‘losers’ …” (p.27)

“… is it better to understand the men we fear, or is it better to isolate and ostracize them further?  A society that understood brokenness and the potential for violence might not be able to eliminate it completely, but it might do a better job of reintegrating those who stand on the brink by embracing and helping them to feel less alone.” (p.27)


Patriarchy
You are not doing women’s studies or feminist theory properly if you don’t have an enemy in The Patriarchy.  Reading materials generally include complex literatures such as, ‘How The Patriarchy made me have an affair with my rich toxic boss’ and Part 2, ‘I didn’t want to do it, but The Patriarchy made me’.  Ok, I’ve made these titles up, but that’s not to say that somewhere out there someone hasn’t actually thought of writing these, and you can be sure that ‘The Patriarchy’ would be taking all the blame for whatever went on.  Power reminds us that we really need to think a little deeper than this.

“Patriarchy is the name for something or someone we don’t necessarily fully understand but know we do not like.  It has a factual dimension – statistics – but also a mythical one.  We cannot in fact ‘smash’ or ‘fuck’ or ‘trample’ the patriarchy, because it is not a being, but rather the structure of a certain kind of being, that is to say, how a society is organized. But organized by whom?  Transmitted how?  How and why have some -  or many – women gone along with it?” (p.40)

“By dismantling patriarchy … we have also collectively done away with all the positive dimensions of patriarchy as well: the protective father, the responsible man, the paternalistic attitude that exhibits care and compassion rather than simply places constraints on freedom. If anything, we have dismantled patriarchy in a rather extreme way, resulting in a horizontal, competitive society that suits consumer capitalism very well. ” (p.41)


#KillAllMen
This ghastly hashtag appears on Twitter more than one might expect. Power highlights the double standard that is not lost on many of us:

“When a woman posts something accompanied by the hashtag #KillAllMen on twitter we could say that she is tapping into a legitimate sense of grievance against particular men who may have personally hurt or abused her or other women. She is, in other words, railing against ‘patriarchy’.  But we could equally find such a statement abhorrent.  The hashtag would be unlikely to be tolerated if the word ‘men’ were swapped out for any other category of humanity, including women.  Even if it remains a general sideswipe against men, is there anything defensible about it?”  (p.55)


Culture
How much have we created our culture and to what extent has our culture shaped us?  Power’s insights into this complex interaction give us much to think about:  

“When we do not take responsibility for ourselves or others, we are in fact demanding the right to remain as childlike as we can be.  In this scenario, no one becomes a man or woman, but rather everybody remains a perpetual infant or adolescent, even if they have children of their own.  In a selfish and immature culture, we stop thinking carefully and reasonably, and our desires push their way to the front, to be met by an endless array of things to satisfy them.” (p.134)

“In the absence of male guides or mentors a space is opened up for other kinds of manipulation.  Only now this brainwashing comes less from individual men but rather from faceless systems whose rules and punishments stem not from care but from pathological bureaucracy and top-down control of the masses.” (p.142)

“… this double law – market values and sexual values that create widespread division and inequality – which leads to much of today’s resentment between the sexes particularly in heterosexual men who never or rarely have relationships or sexual encounters with women.” (p.118)

“Men and women were, as so often, being pitted against one another in the name of someone else making a profit.” (p.2)


‘Men are bad’
You might have found yourself wondering why some people appear to have such ire for men, and where it comes from. Power’s views on the ‘men are bad’ brigade raise, arguably, some of her most fundamental questions:

“When we are told today that ‘men are bad’, we should pause to reflect – really?  If they are, we should ask, what made them ‘bad’, and how do we change the situation?  If our experience leads us to conclude this is not true, or at least that there are ‘bad’ and ‘good’ men, or that everyone is a mixture of good and bad, and we can all be better, we might further and critically ask: who wants us to think that men are bad?  Why do they want us to think this?” (p.132)

Final comments
All too often these days, discussions, debates, and even full-blown arguments frame masculinity as bad, out of date and toxic. I feel that Power’s book is an opportunity for reflection on the narratives around men and masculinity.  If you are interested in this you should read it, and if you are not, you should definitely read it. 

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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.

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