‘The Unspoken Truth About Male Sexual Abuse’: Insights from a police officer turned psychologist.
When I used to be a police lady and was working in the Integrated Child Sexual Exploitation Unit, people would often say to me: “Oh how can you do that type of work.” In my defensive mind it sounded like criticism and disgust. I used to get so mad and say, “Well I am not making this happen, I am simply investigating it. If everyone took the same attitude you did, no one would be investigating these heinous crimes. Would you prefer that?” Years later, I am often asked in interviews, why, as a woman, am I doing this type of work. In case you are curious, here’s how, when and why I became an advocate for male survivors of sexual abuse.
Back when I was a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer, I specialized in investigating sex crimes committed against children internationally (i.e. "Sex Tourism"). In Canada newly enacted legislation made it possible for us to charge any Canadian, travelling abroad for the purpose of engaging in sex acts with children, as if they committed the crimes in Canada. The RCMP was training me to be a ‘subject matter’ expert, and at a training seminar, a former pro hockey player (now child abuse advocate) Sheldon Kennedy (who was abused by his coach), came and spoke about why he hadn’t disclosed his abuse sooner.
His reasons were both heart wrenching and valid. For example, he knew he had the skill set to go pro (become a professional). Also, that the finances his career was providing were literally helping his parents get out of poverty, and everyone back home were super proud of him, plus he felt that some of the other parents of his team mates already knew it was going on but did nothing. So for all these reasons, if he divulged what was going on, his career and his relationships with parents and friends were put in jeopardy. That one made me furious and still does.
He said that in order to cope, he was essentially “leading a double life.” On one hand he was a pro hockey player, but on the other he was being victimized daily and he felt powerless to stop it. He was also confused into remaining silent because back then "real men" were not victims. My heart broke and I was left with the profound sense that society had failed him. I was deeply touched.
“…maybe some of the men in prison were victims who had used drugs and alcohol to cope too. I knew this was a slippery slope…a slope that could quickly and easily lead to a prison cell.”
Prior to policing, I’d worked in an adult correctional facility where I noticed a disproportionate number of males prisoners there compared to females, and recalled wondering ‘why are there were so many men in prison?’ I mean compared to women, why SO many? I’d never gotten this question answered. When Mr. Kennedy began to speak about how he’d turned to drugs and alcohol to cope, I started to see the bigger picture. Maybe some of the men in prison were victims who had used drugs and alcohol to cope too. I knew this was a slippery slope… a slope that could quickly and easily lead to a prison cell.
What Mr. Kennedy relayed about leading a double life really hit home with me. I related to that personally. In my mind, I too was "in the big leagues" career-wise, and I too felt powerless to stop the bullying I was experiencing daily. Even though I was in a well-respected position, I often went home crying and feeling helpless to stop the bullying lest it end my career. In the end it did, but thankfully God had other plans for me!
After losing my career, I was desperate to find another area of work to get passionate about. Prior to leaving the Behavioural Sciences Unit, I had already started my MA (initially desiring to become a Criminal Profiler) and one of my profs mentioned that he worked with male survivors of sexual abuse. It was like a bit of life came back into my deeply depressed state. I felt hope as I was reminded of how society fails male victims. Being aware of this, I knew that with my background as a police officer, and as a psychologist, I could make a difference for boys and men, but I knew I needed to understand the issues better, so when I conducted my doctoral research, I examined why so few boys and men were coming forward.
What I learned was that much like Mr. Kennedy, all of the other men I interviewed also had a lot of very valid and complex reasons for not disclosing their abuse in their youth. Reasons which morphed and changed, yet existed across their entire lifetimes. Reasons like they were protecting their parents from information they thought would be too hard for them to handle and they didn’t want to be a burden to their parents with their problems. Ricky’s mother was wheelchair bound with advanced multiple sclerosis (MS). One reason he didn’t tell was because he didn’t want to burden her with more problems.
Others were too confused and thought no one would help anyway. Some had significant memory loss, others were too fearful of their offenders and too fearful of what might happen to them or their siblings if they reported their abuse. A few feared things might get worse for them. One man I interviewed, Allen, worried that if his father - who was sexually abusing him as well as his siblings - was arrested, he would be responsible for breaking up the family. He worried who would support them financially if his father were sent to jail. He also worried that he and his siblings might be separated and put into foster care, where things could be worse.
What I also saw was that, contrary to my previous thought processes, not all male victims end up in prison! None of the men I interviewed had ever been to jail. In fact, all of them had done well in at least one area of life. Most of them were leading what would appear on the outside to be a healthy life. Many were married, had attained careers status and had gone on to have children of their own.
“Many male victims also struggle with strong feelings of anger that surface when their children become the age they were when they were victims themselves.”
However, despite their appearances and accomplishments, these executives, husbands and fathers were struggling in silence. Some had coped through the use of addictive substances, or addictive/high risk habits or hobbies. Others coped through excessive work, and avoiding deep conversations and intimate relationships - victims often do this out of fear of where the conversation might go, lest their abuse be discovered, or they accidentally disclose. Many male victims only come to therapy after their marriages are in jeopardy for things like refusing to participate in normal parental activities like bathing their children. Many male victims struggle to do this out of fear they might accidentally offend (though this is unlikely to happen). Many male victims also struggle with strong feelings of anger that surface when their children become the age they were when they were victims themselves. If this is you, or you are supporting a male survivor, please know that help is available.
I wrote Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse to support male victims and to help their supporters understand what might be going on for them. I co-authored The Creating Personal Safety Series (in print) to help parents educate children without scaring them.
Please join me in talking about male sexual abuse. Discussions do make a difference.
Further information
If you have been impacted by these issues, the following support agencies might be able to help you:
In the UK: Male Survivors Partnership
In Canada: The British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
In the US: MaleSurvivor
In Australia: Samsn
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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