Should we be concerned about the messages that men and boys are exposed to?
What I say here is based on nearly thirty years of working across a range of education, family, residential care home and Christian-based settings. I have been thinking of the contacts I have had over the years, and the scores and scores of cases I have been involved with in different ways.
I am unsettled by the rhetoric and statistics that seem to be accepted on many news and media platforms without any challenge. I am concerned about the impact this may have on some boys, young adults, and teenagers and what they think they are ‘allowed’ to say, think, and feel as a male.
Inconsistencies in the news and social media
In the last few months, I have heard several comments about men on the radio, that had they been about women, would not have been tolerated. The term ‘misogyny’ is used a lot, but none of the teenage boys and girls I work with have heard the term ‘misandry’, or know what that means.
The tendency of the BBC and other news channels is to focus on women as victims, whether in the context of domestic abuse, eating disorders, self-image issues, ‘gaslighting’, bullying etc. Rarely is a man the central focus as the victim in these stories, and rarely is the female ‘written in’ as the perpetrator in these articles.
“I have concerns as to how these inconsistencies and sweeping generalisations about men and boys go unchallenged.”
I have concerns as to how these inconsistencies and sweeping generalisations about men and boys go unchallenged. From personal and professional experience, I have found that the terms ‘men’ and ‘all men’ or ‘all boys’ is used frequently as opposed to some men and some boys. Unfortunately, I still often hear the following types of comments within consultations I have with teachers, other professionals, and parents and family members. These comments are almost always from females, and almost never said in a supportive manner:
A typical boy
A lazy boy
Well… he is a boy
What more can you expect, he is a boy / man
He’s just like his father
I am concerned about the impact of these messages may have on some boys, and on their development as they grow into men.
Communications from government and third sector organisations
There has been a huge effort in the past few years to coax more girls into science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM). This is to be encouraged and celebrated, and has had varying degrees of success. For example, many recent medical cohorts are now a 60:40 ratio of female to male graduates.
However, I have not seen any extensive evidence of a ‘push’ for boys to consider more ‘caring and nurturing’ professions. This type of career focus would need to start in early years, and appear in the media, books etc. Examples of the professions that could be promoted more for boys include:
Early years and nursery education
Primary education
Nursing
Social work
Psychology
If we are serious about a more balanced and equitable society, where men are really promoted as carers and nurturers, not just as fathers, but in the workplace too, then there needs to be a change from the ground up, when boys (and girls) are young. They need to hear overt and strong messages about how great it is to be a man and how that can be their future – with all the rights and responsibilities that may bring. This may be especially important for those boys who may be in situations where most of their influences are from women. These boys and girls too, also need overtly positive messages about men, from men and women.
There has been an improvement in the positive portrayal of men as fathers in children’s books. However, there is still a predominance of the main carer being the mother and often if there is only one parent in the story, then it is the mother. Although this may reflect the case in some homes, if we want the perception and expectations of children to change, then it is vital that boys (and girls), regardless of their own childhood experiences, grow up in the expectation that men are good fathers. It might also be positive to see more children’s story / picture books, TV programmes, where there the main carer is the dad.
Similarly, I would urge charities, the NHS (National Health Service) and other influential organisations to always make reference in their brochures that men can experience the following:
Domestic abuse
Post-natal depression
Loss after a miscarriage
There should not be a solely female focus in the information shared; men should be recognised too, and not just as a few token statistics at the end of an article or leaflet, but in the full reality of every situation of concern.
“…it saddens me that there is a near complete absence of coverage of International Men’s Day (November 19th) in the news and media”
Promotion of international days
It’s good and right that there is a focus on International Women’s Day in March each year. However, it saddens me that there is a near complete absence of coverage of International Men’s Day (November 19th) in the news and media. This may partly be due to a fear from some quarters that highlighting men’s issues means denigrating the importance of issues that some women face. I strongly believe that it is not ‘an either… or’ situation, but a ‘both….and’ situation in regards to promoting support for both men and women.
Sex, sexuality and society
Some of the current messages about sex, sexuality and identity can certainly be empowering and affirming and some individuals have thrived and benefited from them. However, as highlighted by authors Ed Shaw and Sam Allberry, for some young people (boys and girls) it can be quite confusing and overwhelming.
In my professional and personal experience, I believe there needs to be a much more honest and consistent message from the beginning, as regards sex and sexuality, for our children and teenagers - and even adults. I believe this needs to happen if there is any chance of there being a reduction in the sexual violence and abuse that occurs for both men and women.
Today we tend to find our identity in whom or what we love - it is why sexuality has such a powerful effect on our identity. Today it can seem we have made sexuality the foundation of self understanding and as such, sexual behaviour has become a primary means of self-expression. Sex can be seen as a currency for love, and as such all sexual desires seen as helpful or constructive. Any suggestion to ‘contain’ sex or channel certain sexual feelings, is depicted as stopping someone from being ‘who they are’.
“Some suggest that your ability to be happy is contingent on being able to lead a sexually and romantically fulfilled life. This is a huge pressure for anyone”
Some suggest that your ability to be happy is contingent on being able to lead a sexually and romantically fulfilled life. This is a huge pressure for anyone - particularly teenagers and young adults – and it raises the stakes dangerously high. Many personal histories of individuals show that making ‘sex’ the priority for fulfilment can lead to many hurts and disappointments.
It can be helpful to remember that there will be times we will have to say ‘no’ to some of the ways we desire to express love to someone. We need to know that this is actually for the sake of loving someone better. We also need to be honest to young people about the following: we know enough that love matters but we do not know enough to know what love fully is. Love seems vital for life but it can also be elusive.
There has been progress within schools in teaching the concept of respect, choice, and consent to our children and young people. However, it can be very challenging for some young people to understand aspects of respect and consent – especially when it is not something that has been shown or taught them in other aspects of their life. Waiting to teach about consent when a young person enters adolescence, as sex drive increases, can be leaving it too late. So the more honest input that can be taught, shown and explained prior to the time in life when sexual desire ‘kicks in’, the better.
There has continued to be progress in the teaching of relationships and sex education (RSE) in schools, which is great. It is essential that emotional literacy skills and ‘executive functioning’ skills continue to be emphasised within and in parallel to RSE. This can help develop an understanding of sex and sexuality within the broader sense of identity and who we are as individuals.
“For some this can be a volatile mix, expressing itself in intense anger and extreme mood swings and self-harm.”
To end…
From my experience, particularly as a child psychologist, a notable number of the boys and male teenagers I have worked with have core needs as regards a sense of identity and low self-esteem, and can be struggling to make sense of their thoughts and feelings. For some this can be a volatile mix, expressing itself in intense anger and extreme mood swings and self-harm. Of course, this has been the case for many of the girls I work with too, but I believe that for some of the boys, their behaviours can be more masked and misinterpreted than that of some of the girls.
The lack of reference to the male experience can make it increasingly difficult for some young men and boys to tell their stories – it can generate a culture where the ‘male story’ is minimised or dismissed. It is essential that we move away from the current default mentality (in some contexts) that men are perpetrators and that they cannot be victims. This narrative is not helpful for boys to grow up with - especially for the boys and teenagers who have been hurt – physically as well as emotionally - by female peers, female family members or female professionals.
I believe personally and professionally that if the changes I suggest are implemented, this will give men and boys the permission to talk and feel more than they currently do. It will also validate the diversity and richness of being male and being human, and further help to promote a society where more people feel valued and safe.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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