Three masculine behavioural biases that cause disconnects in relationships
Regardless of what modern gender theories have tried to persuade us into believing, biological men and women have completely different reproductive biases. These biases exist primarily to help better serve men and women in achieving their own individual reproductive agendas, yet at the same time these biases can cause incredible friction, disconnects and misunderstandings between the sexes.
One of the core issues here is that our own biases are always intuitive to us, because we live in our own bodies 24/7. As a result, it’s sometimes easy to project our own biases upon someone of the opposite sex, almost as if a woman is just an overly weak and emotional man in the eyes of males, or a man is just a hairy tall woman in the eyes of females.
Members of the opposite sex don’t intuitively understand our biases and vice versa, because they’ve never spent a day in our bodies, walked in our shoes or bathed in our habitual hormones. If you’re a man, imagine suddenly having a womb that is capable of producing and nurturing life. What becomes instinctive to you now? If you’re a woman, imagine suddenly producing 300 million sperm a day, every day. What would you do about that?
“it’s sometimes easy to project our own biases upon someone of the opposite sex, almost as if a woman is just an overly weak and emotional man in the eyes of males, or a man is just a hairy tall woman in the eyes of females.”
In an intimate relationship, unless you have established a great deal of emotional attraction and emotional connection, then disconnects become the norm. There are simply too many inherent differences between the masculine and feminine; as a result, natural conflicts will inevitably show up. Having these conflicts are usually a healthy sign for a relationship, but the key here is to utilise these conflicts to deepen the relationship and your understanding of each other.
Now let’s look at three specific masculine biases that cause friction and misunderstanding in relationships and dating.
#1: Thinking that feelings need to be solved
Men are natural problem solvers. Their neurology, physiology and psychology all line up to facilitate the process of solving complex adaptive problems. Most men will even go out of their way to solve unnecessary problems (think video games) as a way to practise and hone this particular set of skills.
“[women] don’t want our emotions to be solved. We want to be heard, to be felt and resonated with. […] having someone resonate with our feelings means having the safety of someone to have your back.”
My husband and I conducted a simple experiment a while back. We timed ourselves solving and completing simple kids’ puzzles. Time and time again, he was able to perform around 25% to 30% better than I did on the same puzzles. But not only did he consistently complete these puzzles quicker, he had a larger capacity to stay calm under stress, and higher endurance for continuous problem solving. (So the point is, it sucks to be a woman!? I’m just kidding.)
But as we all probably know, there are always downsides to everything - even things that seem like “gifts” or “talents”. When men show up in their “problem solving mode” in a relationship, this can often causes disconnects with women. Us women, we don’t want our emotions to be solved. We want to be heard, to be felt and resonated with. To us women, that is value. To us women, having someone resonate with our feelings means having the safety of someone to have your back. We don’t want solutions. We want someone to feel what we feel so that they are on the same page as us when it comes to navigating the complex social relationships that are all around us. From the perspective of a feminine soul, the more a man wants to solve our “problem”, the more it feels like he isn’t willing to feel what we feel, thus rejecting our need to feel safe in our feminine sphere.
Of course, we women have a similar and opposite bias of reading emotions into a man’s state, when there are none, but that’s a whole other conversation.
#2: For men, sex does not equal love or attachment
As a woman with an actual womb, having sex triggers a primal part of us that triggers attachment and feelings of love. The reason for this lies in the fact that having sex produces high levels of oxytocin within us - whereas it produces far less in a man.
Since the dawn of time, the act of having sex meant that a woman is the one to become infinitely more vulnerable, because she is the one carrying the baby. That inherent vulnerability meant the very likely outcome of death if she didn’t have someone there to protect her, look out for her and gather resources for her. Anyone who has been pregnant knows what I’m talking about.
So sex and the consequences of sex mean a lot to us women on a deep neurological, physiological level. That’s why for women, sex means love and attachment on many levels. It may be no surprise to you to know that on a biological level, a woman’s plasma oxytocin levels are markedly different to men’s levels. As we know, oxytocin is one of the primary bonding hormones.
For a man, the consequences of sex are often virtually nothing. As a result, men’s neurology is shaped in a way that sees sex and love as two separate things. In fact sex and love are two completely different baskets in a man’s mind, and one doesn’t inherently trigger the other.
As a result, often this difference in masculine and feminine perception of sex will cause disconnects in any intimate relationship. For example, women don’t understand the thought of keeping a man around if they don’t want a relationship with the man. Conversely, men tend to prefer to keep women around even though they don't really want a relationship with them, or want to commit to them in any responsible way. This doesn’t mean that all men do this, this is just to illustrate the point that men have a default state that they go to, and this default state is different to a woman’s. By default, men intuitively see women as a resource for their own sexual needs, thus they prefer to keep a woman around even when they feel no love for her. Most women don’t understand this bias within men. Thus they too often fall into the trap of thinking that if a man wants to keep her in his life (even with minimal commitment), then he must love her to some extent.
Additionally, women project their own bias onto men’s behavior by assuming that if the man is willing to sleep with her, that means he must love her. So as a woman it’s important to know when a man actually wants a serious relationship with you, as opposed to stringing you along for the ride for his own needs. And as a man, it’s important to realize that keeping a woman around for a more casual relationship has far-reaching consequences for her. For example, stopping her from finding someone who truly loves her and wants to commit to her to the fullest.
#3: Seeing interest when there is none
As I mentioned earlier, the cost of sex is virtually nothing for men. Add to this the fact that they produce 300 million sperm a day, and you begin to see that it serves the masculine reproductive agenda to open as many metaphorical doors as he can in his love life. A side effect of this is that men tend to see or imply interest from a woman even if she’s just being polite or friendly. The masculine bias here is to take as many shots as he can, knowing that the cost of doing so is low biologically. In other words, the cost of missing out on a potential mating opportunity is much greater than the cost of taking these shots through seeing interest when there is none. Scientific studies also show that humans are more regretful about missing out on an opportunity than being rejected for taking the shot when it comes to dating.
Apart from the three examples mentioned above, there are obviously many other masculine biases that may cause conflict and disconnects in relationships. (As well as feminine biases, because we women aren’t perfect either). The most important takeaway here is to understand these biases, and appreciate how they’ve served us as a species. The more we understand these gender-based biases, the more we are able to utilise the inherent conflicts between men and women to deepen our intimate relationships rather than cause more disconnects.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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