Beyond Happiness to Meaning: three case studies of male midlife crisis
In the labyrinth of existence, where purpose intertwines with the human spirit, there exists an enigmatic void that often remains unspoken- the void of meaning. Men’s experiences of creating meaning and probing the depths of a void that, for many, silently echoes questions of identity, purpose, and meaning. In a world abundant with opportunities and connections, an unsettling paradox persists and manifests in midlife. Men, navigating the complex tapestry of modern life, often find themselves grappling with this elusive void that defies easy definitions. For many men, the midlife crisis can present itself as a void that exists beyond explanation, as an intangible emptiness that reverberates beneath the surface of daily routines and societal expectations. With societal norms and shifting expectations, men are confronted with this paradoxical challenge — the quest for a renewed purpose and meaning in an era that sometimes seems to have traded depth for rapid progression. Some men surrender to an easy pathology rather than embracing the work to illuminate and acknowledge that the void of meaning is a shared human experience that manifests uniquely in the lives of men. What once was the realm of theology, many therapists are embracing that their clients are asking for companionship to grapple with the perennial question/s, “What is the meaning of my life?” and “Why am I here- for what purpose?” Purpose is something we are born with- an innate urge, even drive, that propels and motivates an individual to grow with the right ingredients. Meaning, on the other hand, is what an individual creates with their life- socially, environmentally, and vocationally. By looking at three separate case studies with men in a therapeutic milieu, the societal, cultural, and personal factors that contribute to the perception of this void are considered and explored while presenting potential avenues for rekindling a sense of purpose and meaning.
The Midlife Rebirth
Midlife can be a time of rebirth for a man. As life expectancy increases, so does the need to live one’s life with meaning and purpose. According to Aristotle in the Nicomachean Ethics, the ‘good life’ consisted of various options: A life of pleasure, a life of honor, and a life of wealth or eminence (Oishi & Westgate, 2021). More recently, the ‘good life’ has evolved to mean a variety of modern-day explications. A new kind of client is the ‘successful malcontent’ (Tart, 1986). This client may seek therapy because of a nagging feeling of emptiness and void of meaning. This client’s quest for meaning (and purpose) does not seem to be solved by conventional theories of psychology, theology, or sociology, which tend to be constricting. Rather, the emergence of the “successful malcontent” has helped bring about the development of more humanistic and transpersonal psychological systems of thought, recognizing the spiritual and existential dimensions of the human experience. Growth has become a major component in the continuance of health and happiness, along with the development of mind, body, and spirit. This process has become more central to a man’s growth and development than mere progress; care for the soul rather than cure (Moore, 1992, 2016).
“Like the Chinese word for ‘crisis,’ the first character means danger and the other opportunity”. Indeed, a man’s midlife crisis can be both.”
The Crisis of Midlife
It was Jung that popularised the concept of “two halves of life” (Jung, 1960, p. 399). The first half is spent on building the container and a sense of identity, importance, and security. Some call this the false self (Rohr, 2011). The question of what success means is not often broached until what is considered the second half of midlife and often presents itself in the way of a crisis. The second half is about filling that container with meaning and substance. Affirming one’s truest self through spiritual experience/s presents us with an opportunity to reexamine our lives and close the gap between who we project ourselves to be via our persona and who we truly are deep within ourselves. According to Jung, “Meaninglessness inhibits fullness of life and is therefore equivalent to illness. Meaning makes a great many things endurable- perhaps everything” (Jung, 1963, p. 340). As James Hollis said, “Like the Chinese word for ‘crisis,’ the first character means danger and the other opportunity”. Indeed, a man’s midlife crisis can be both. Midlife is not so much a chronological age but a psychological state in which transition is ripe to occur depending on the individual’s readiness to do so. According to James Hollis (2005), “The second half of life presents a rich possibility for spiritual enlargement…” (p. 10). The midlife crisis is no longer an event to blunder through but rather a series of developmental crises for one to honor, listen to, and respond to. The term midlife crisis was not meant to denote a major breakdown of any kind but rather to suggest critical junctures in one’s life when vulnerability was increased (Sheehy, 1998). “Crisis,” according to James and Gilliland (2001), is a perception or the experience of a situation that exceeds one’s coping mechanisms and resources. For many males, these crises can serve as sources of empowerment, value clarification, and spiritual development.
Hedonic versus Eudemonic Meaning
The concepts of hedonic and eudemonic well-being represent two distinct approaches to understanding and pursuing a meaningful life and a sense of fulfillment. Hedonic well-being is centreed around the pursuit of pleasure, enjoyment, and the avoidance of pain or discomfort.
The primary goal is to maximise positive experiences and minimise negative ones, aiming for a life characterised by pleasure, happiness, and the absence of suffering. On the other hand, eudemonic well-being emphasises the pursuit of meaning, purpose, and self-realization. The central goal is to lead a life that is in accordance with one's true nature or potential, involving personal growth, self-discovery, and the fulfillment of one's unique abilities and talents. While both hedonic and eudemonic well-being contribute to an individual's overall sense of fulfillment, eudemonic well-being is concerned with living a life of purpose and meaning, even while facing life’s challenges and discomforts in the pursuit of higher goals.
Viktor Frankl (1959, 2006), in his infamous book Man’s Search for Meaning, portends that “Meaning in life always changes, but that it never ceases to be” (p. 111). He purports to discover meaning in life in three different ways or values: (a) by creating a significant work (creative); (b) by experiencing something or someone in a significant way (experiential); and (c) by our attitude toward unavoidable suffering (attitudinal). “What Frankl calls meaning indicates the manifestation of connectedness or relationship in the form of creations, experiences, and attitudes” (Uemura, 2018, p. 288). As an Existential-oriented therapist, my objective with clients is to facilitate their discovery of purpose and meaning amid their current life situations. The following case studies are demonstrations of these values.
“Among the Invisibles in our lives [Family values, relationships, self-development etc], the task is to discriminate from those that may have taken over your life and attend to those that speak to some deeper part of yourself.”
Case Studies
James (experiencing and encountering someone)
James contacted me about issues between him and his wife. They had been married for more than twenty years, and while he felt their relationship was solid, there were areas he wanted to work on and improve. He was generous emotionally and supported his wife in her professional goals; however, his wife is unsatisfied with some aspects of their relationship. Lately, past issues were emerging that they had not dealt with sufficiently to resolve. Learning to establish better boundaries between himself, his wife, and adult children, James has been able to have more self-compassion for himself while allowing his wife to have her experiences without him interfering, trying to fix things or rescue her. He has found by detaching with love, he can hold space to be himself rather than an extension of his wife and her feelings. It turns out to be a much more stable relationship where the two of them can more fully encounter one another in a genuine experience. His meaning and purpose are in the continuation and nurturing of his primary relationship/s and family. This is his strength and motivation, which affects everything else he does in life.
Mark (attitude toward unavoidable suffering)
Mark had recently ended a long-term relationship and moved back in with his mom. At the age of forty, he felt cognitive dissonance about his situation but felt he had limited choices to establish some stability in his life. Financially strapped, he was trying to find his way (purpose). Throughout his life, he traveled and experimented with entheogens as a way to seek spiritual meaning and purpose. In midlife, he felt aimless, and we discussed issues surrounding his father, who died when Mark was young, and resenting his mother, who suffered from prolonged and complicated grief by the sudden loss of her husband. Emotionally, she withdrew and could not ‘be there’ for Mark as he grew. Mark fits the archetype of the ‘wanderer’ who is ever in search of meaning and purpose in his life. While reviewing his losses and past choices and getting in touch with his inner child, who was frosen at the age his father passed, he was able to identify adverse childhood experiences he experienced and how he has brought those into his current conditions. By delineating which sufferings were legitimate and an essential part of growth and development from those that were self-induced by the choice of will, Mark was able to forgive himself, his mother, and his father for not providing the support he needed growing up.
Tim (creating a work or deed)
Tim is successful in his career and has often longed for a significant other in his life, in large part because many of his generational cohorts have gotten married, paired up, and/or had children and started families. Developmentally, he is feeling behind and thinks he is running out of time. The fear of not wanting to be alone as he ages and matures is constant. He has been influenced by his family of origin, especially his father, whom he describes as passive, non-ambitious, and yet faithful to his family. His mom, on the other hand, left Tim and his father at a young age to socially ‘marry up’ as Tim described. Being like his father, Tim has grown comfortable as a bachelor and finds it hard to trust being vulnerable and becoming intimate with another, to the point of a long-term commitment. As a result, Tim started his own consulting company with a partner and has established a service to provide to the public while also employing several people. He admits his work (service) is what he is good at, and it is an extension of his creative self. For now, it provides him with a purpose and meaning for his life.
Suffering and Meaning
Frankl described three ways of discovering meaning in life, which indicate connectedness and relationships. Men, in particular, struggle with connectedness, perhaps partly due to social conditioning. Frankl suggested that meaning can be found in overcoming life’s challenges, and even amid suffering, individuals can choose to find purpose by demonstrating their resilience. By focusing on something greater than oneself (i.e., transcending one’s self-centreed concerns), while engaging in activities that align with their deepest convictions and/or contributing to the well-being of others (i.e., a higher purpose), one can discover profound meaning.
The restructuring involved in midlife can have much to do with a man’s identity, which includes evaluating and assessing one’s values, goals, and commitments. A man’s midlife crisis can offer ample motivation to ponder such issues. The meaning of life is discovered when one’s intention is directed to something and/or someone else (i.e., transcending one’s ego desires). Frankl (1959) stated, “The more one forgets oneself- by giving oneself to a cause to serve or another person to love- the more human one is, the more one actualises themself” (p. 110). A crisis is a time to modify and redo certain aspects of our lives because we know more now than we did before and can bring that wisdom to create a different future. Choosing can be difficult for a man, especially in midlife because it reeks of uncertainty, indecisiveness, and even weakness. The vulnerability to life’s possibilities is antithetical to what a man has been conditioned not to accept. The midlife crisis is this dangerous opportunity. I conclude with the poignant words of Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1955):
“Is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a kind of second adolescence? This period of expansion is often tragically misunderstood. Discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, and longing are interpreted as signs of decay. Instead of facing them, one runs away. Anything rather than face them and stand still and learn from them. One tries to cure the signs of growth as if they were devils when really, they might be angels of annunciation” (p. 75).
We can find meaning in life in the midst of legitimate suffering, and “suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning” (Frankl, 1959, p. 113). “Without more conscious suffering, we can never find depth or meaning, never really grow, and never really change our lives” (Hollis, 2005, p. 168).
“The midlife crisis is a shout from the masculine psyche for a man to push through the obstacles that he confronts and fight for the difficult development of his full manhood potential.”
Back to the Invisibles
Going beyond oneself is to transcend one’s personal ego state and expand one’s consciousness beyond the personality (Strohl., 1998). This can be described as going beyond the visible to the invisible. The Invisibles have to do with soul work. Invisibles have to do with myths and stories that live among us and within us. We live among a legion of invisibles that dictate and order us around: “Family values, self-development, relationships, happiness, control, success, effectiveness, even our economy” (Hillman, 1996, p. 96). Among the Invisibles in our lives, the task is to discriminate from those that may have taken over your life and attend to those that speak to some deeper part of yourself. Caring for one’s soul is a process that concerns itself not so much with fixing flaws as with attending to the details of our lives (Moore, 1992, 2016).
Choosing a spiritual path to get back to the invisibles is an important part of creating and fostering a sense of hope. Hope can be defined as an expectation about attaining some desired goal in the future (Farran et al., 1990). Choosing a spiritual path will involve commitment and honesty with oneself, the very things needed for midlife. A helpful tool for the assessment of hope is to use the acronym “HOPE“ (Farran, et al. 1990). “H” is the acronym for health, and men may ask about their health and how it has affected their hope. “O” stands for others, and this would lead to questions dealing with family and friends who are supportive of the client, as well as any crisis experiences from the past and how the client dealt with those. “P” stands for purpose, and questions that coincide are what give the client hope and keep them going. How do they make sense of their present crisis, as well as any spiritual beliefs that may help them? Finally, “E” is representative of an engaging process in which men may ask themselves how they intend to endure and work through the crisis of midlife.
Conclusion
Midlife is not an event one can get through alone; instead, it is a process, and if to be successful as a time of growth, relies on other men to come together and help others through this often challenging and fulfilling process. The midlife crisis is a shout from the masculine psyche for a man to push through the obstacles that he confronts and fight for the difficult development of his full manhood potential.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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